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16 — 47372-2 <3J»0 



Stop Thief 

BY 

CARLYLE MOORE 




SAMUEL FRENCH, 28-30 West 38th St., New York 



STOP THIEF 

A FARCICAL FACT IN THREE ACTS 



BY 

CARLYLE MOORE 



Copyeight, 1917, By Samuel French 



ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 



CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned 
that "STOP THIEF", being fully protected under the 
copyrights laws of the United States, is subject to 
royalty, and anyone presenting the play without the 
consent of the author or his authorized agents will be 
liable to the penalties by law provided. Applications 
for the amateur acting rights must be made to Samuel 
French, 28-30 West 38th Street, New York. Applica- 
tions for the professional acting rights must be made 
to the American Play Company, 33 West 42nd Street, 
New York. 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 
publisher 
28-30 West 38th STREET 



London 
SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 
26 Southampton Street 
STRAND 






Especial notice should be taken that the possession 
of this book without a valid contract for production 
first having been obtained from the publisher, confers 
no right or license to professionals or amateurs to 
produce the play publicly or in private for gain or 
charity. 

In its present form this play is dedicated to the 
reading public only, and no performance of it may be 
given, except by special arrangement with Samuel 
French. 

SECTION 28. — That any person who wilfully or for 
profit shall infringe any copyright secured by this act, 
or who shall knowingly and wilfully aid or abet such 
infringment, shall be deemed guilty of a misdemeanor, 
and upon conviction thereof shall be punished by im- 
prisonment for not exceeding one year, or by a fine of 
not less than one hundred dollars nor more than one 
thousand dollars, or both, in the discretion of the 
court. Act of March 4, 1909. 



/ 



CI.D 48-<>54 . 

NOV -5 1917 



GAIETY THEATRE, NEW YORK CITY, 
December 25th, 1912 

COHAN & HARRIS, PRESENT 






STOP THIEF 

A FARCICAL FACT IN THREE ACTS BY 

CARLYLE MOORE 
Staged under the direction of Sam Forrest 

The characters appear in the order in which they are 
named 

THE CAST 

Original cast 

Joan Carr Vivian Martin 

Mrs. Carr Ruth Chester 

Caroline Carr Elizabeth Lane 

Madge Carr. Louise Woods 

Nell Mary Ryan 

William Carr Frank Bacon 

James Cluney Percy Ames 

Mr. Jamison Robert Cummin gs 

Dr. Willoughby William H. Boyd 

Rev. Mr. Spelain Harry C. Bradley 

Jack Doogan Richard Bennett 

Joe Thompson James C. Marlowe 

Sergeant of Police Thomas Findlay 

Police Officer O'Malley James Ford 

Police Officer Clancy E. J. McGuire 

Police Officer O'Brien Melvin Walter 

A Chauffeur Albert Dunn 

3 
1 



STOP THIEF 

SYNOPSIS 

The entire action of the play takes place in the 
Carr residence, Providence, R. I. 

The incidents occur during the actual playing time 
of the piece. 



SCENE 



Act I. 

Act II. 


Living room in the Carr residence. 

33 )f )i 31 J> 33 


Act III. 


71 » » » 11 11 



STOP THIEF 



ACT I, II and III 

OFF-STAGE PROPS 

One wedding bouquet — l. 

One jewelled ear-trumpet — l. 

One pearl necklace — l. 

Two five-hundred dollar bills — L. 

Three revolvers — l. 

One diamond bracelet — l. 

Gold and green bonds — l. 

Two police warrants — =l. 

Two reading books — l. 

Six police whistles — L. 

One gold watch and chain — l. 

ON STAGE 

One chocolate set (Silver) and tray 
Clothes in closet — r. 

5 



STOP THIEF 



ACT I 



Scene: Living room in the Caeb residence, Providence, 
R. I. There is a large doorway center, at the back, that 
lets into a hallway, in which the door to another room is 
seen. The door in the hall opens toward the audience. 
Single doors upper right and left opening off-stage. 
Closets in middle of right and left walls. At lower left 
there is a large French window opening onto a balcony 
with balustrade. Book-case at lower right. Desk with 
two chairs lower right. There is a small safe at the end 
of the desk facing audience. Couch, with a small table 
at its head, lower left. Bric-a-Brac stand at right of 
center opening and a console table at left of center open- 
ing. Chair in hall outside door upper left. Five old, 
etchings in walnut frames on scene, as follows: Right 
and left of center opening of back; right and left over 
closets, and over book-case. Portieres on center opening 
and window lower left. All furniture walnut and modem. 
All over carpet. Four brackets and chandelier. 

At rise of curtain Joan enters from center, goes to 
'phone on desk right and calls number. 

Joan. Give me 2100 Westminster, please. Hello, 
hello, is that you, Dr. Willoughby? {Laughs) 
Yes, of course it's Joan. Can't you recognize my 
voice? {Laughs) You'd better hurry over here if 
you intend to be the best man at the wedding. — We 
expect the Minister any minute now. Oh, she's all 
excited, of course. — The most beautiful wedding 
presents I've ever seen. — Yes. — What? {Laughs) 
Oh, don't be silly, Doctor — I'll tell Mother you're on 
the way. {Hangs up receiver and goes to Mrs. 
Carr, who has entered, center, during conversation 
at } phone) 

Mrs. Carr. Who was that? Dr. Willoughby? 
{Left center) 

Joan. {Right center) Yes. He'll be here in 
ten minutes, he said. 

7 



8 STOP THIEF 

Mrs. Carr. (Shows Joan bracelet) Joan, look, 
what do you think of that? 

Joan. A diamond bracelet! Oh, it's gorgeous, 
Mother ! 

Mrs. Carr. It's my wedding present to Madge. 
I'm going to slip it on her wrist before the ceremony. 
Don't breathe a word of it, dear. 

Joan. (Crosses to l. admiring bracelet) Not a 
word. My goodness, what wonderful wedding gifts ! 

Caroline. (Has entered from l. c. Comes center) 
Oh, Mother, have you seen Madge's bouquet ? 

Mrs. Carr. Yes, dear, it's perfectly beautiful. 

Joan. (Left center) Look here, Caroline, 
Mother's present to Madge. Isn't it lovely? 

Caroline. I've seen it, dear, it's exquisite. I 
don't believe anyone else ever got so many valuable 
wedding presents. 

Mrs. Carr. Yes, indeed. She's a very lucky girl. 
(Madge enters l. c. She is carrying a string of 
pearls. Goes to left of Mrs. Carr.) 

Madge. Mother, Joan, Caroline, look, see here, 
a glorious string of pearls ! 

Joan. (Crosses to Madge) Pearls! 

Caroline. Gracious ! 

Mrs. Carr. From whom, Madge? 

Madge. From James. What I've always wanted, 
Mother: a string of pearls. 

Mrs. Carr. (Looking at them) Wonderful. 

Caroline. I should say so. 

Joan. Are they real? 

Madge. Of course, they're real, you monkey. 
(Laughs, takes pearls and puts them on) Oh, I'm 
the happiest girl in the whole wide world. (Kisses 
her mother, Joan, and Caroline, and sweeps up- 
stage singing to the Wedding March. Joan and 
Caroline follow. The door bell rings) 

Mrs. Carr. See who's at the door. 

Caroline. Yes, Mother, right away. (Starts 
left, singing) 



STOP THIEF 9 

Madge. (Center) Wait, it may be James. 
(Takes off necklace) Put this back in the box. 

Joan. Yes, dear. (Exits left, singing the Wed- 
ding March) 

Mrs. Carr. (Crosses up left to Caroline) If 
it's the new maid have her wait in here for me. 
I want to give her some final instructions before 
she starts in. 

(Caroline exits l. u. e.) 

Madge. (Up right center) A new lady's maid? 

Mrs. Carr. (Up l. c.) Yes, dear, I engaged 
her yesterday. You'll need a maid ; that is, until 
after the honeymoon. 

Madge. Oh, you're just the dearest mother in 
the world. (Kisses Mrs. Carr) 

Mrs. Carr. ; Madge, dear, I feel as though I'm 
losing you. (Starts crying) 

Madge. Nov/, Mother, please don't make me cry : 
my nose will get red. 

Mrs. Carr. We mustn't have that, darling. 
Why, Madge, you haven't got your veil on yet. 
Come, we must put it on at once. (Both exit l. u., 
talking ad. lib. until off) 

Caroline. (Enter l. lt. with Nell; comes down 
c. with Nell on her left) Come right in here. 
I'll tell Mother you've arrived. She'll tell you ex- 
actly where to go and what to do. 

Nell. Thank you, ma'am. 

Caroline. Let me see, your name is ? 

Nell. Nellie. 

Caroline. Nellie — very well. I'm the bride's 
sister. You may call me Miss Caroline. 

Nell. Miss Caroline? 

Caroline. Yes. Just wait here a few minutes, 
Mother will give you full instructions. 

Nell. Yes, Miss Caroline. 

Caroline. I'll tell her you're here. (Exits left 
center) 



io STOP THIEF 

(Nell lays down satchel and takes sweeping glance 
at the room. She then goes to doors and opens 
each, gets the lay of the place, and then, as if 
realizing that someone is approaching, rushes 
over left, picks tip satchel again and looks un- 
concerned. This bit of business is to be played 
so broadly as to give the audience an idea of 
mystery. The door left opens and Mr. Carr 
enters with hat and coat on. He comes to 
center and scrutinizes Nell.) 

Carr. {After looking Nell over) Hello! 
Waiting to see someone? 

Nell. Yes, sir, I'm waiting to see Mrs. Carr. 

Carr. Well, I'm Mrs. Carr's husband. What 
did you want to see her about? 

Nell. She engaged me yesterday as lady's maid 
to your daughter. 

Carr. Oh, yes, the lady's maid. I remember, 
she told me. Does she know you're here ? 

Nell. Miss Caroline has gone to inform her. 

Carr. Then I'll tell her you've come. (Starts up- 
stage as if to exit) 

Caroline. (Enters from l. c.) Hello, father. 

Carr. Good-morning, Caroline. 

Caroline. (To Nell) Mother will see you in 
a moment. 

Nell. Very well, Miss Caroline. 

Carr. (Showing ring to Caroline. Nell eyes 
it at same time) Look, Caroline, see what I've pur- 
chased for Madge : a pigeon-blood ruby ring. Do 
you think she will be pleased with it? 

Caroline. (Looking at ring) Oh, it's scrump- 
tious ! 

Carr. (Puts ring in box, then box in overcoat- 
pocket, and lays the coat on chair left of desk) It 
ought to be ; it cost enough. And, Caroline, not a 



STOP THIEF II 

word of this to anyone, I want it to come as a great 
surprise. _ 

Caroline. Not a word from me, rather. She 
has the most beautiful wedding gifts I've ever seen. 
(To Nell) Just wait here, my girl, Mother will 
see you directly. (Starts up center) 

Carr. Has the minister arrived ? 

Caroline. Not yet. This girl is the new maid. 

Carr. Yes, she told me. (Caroline exits left 
center) You say my wife knows you are here? 

Nell. Yes, sir, I believe she does. 

Carr. Um-hm. Well, I'll tell her the new cook 
has come. 

Nell. Not the cook, sir, the lady's maid. 

Carr. Oh, yes, yes, that's so, the lady's maid. 
Why will I be so absent-minded? Yes, yes, the 
lady's maid. How can I be so forgetful ! I feel 
as though I am forgetting something now. 
(Searches himself) Oh, my hat, my hat. (Picks 
up hat from desk and exits l. c, humming as he, 
goes) 

(Nell thinks a second, then goes to coat on chair, 
takes box from coat and ring from box. Puts 
ring in her shoe and is about to put box back 
in coat when Cluney enters from door left. 
Nell hides box behind her back.) 

Cluney. (As he opens door and peeks in) 
Start the band playing, here comes the bridegroom. 
(Sees Nell and enters) Oh, I beg pardon, I 
thought for a moment you were one of the family. 
(Takes off overcoat) 

Nell. Oh, that's all right, sir, I'm the new maid. 

Cluney. Oh, the new maid? Mrs. Carr tele- 
phoned and told me that all the servants had gone 
on a strike. Does she know you're here? 

Nell. I believe she does, sir. 



12 STOP THIEF 

Cluney. Well, by Jove, I'll make sure. And do 
you know how I'll make sure? I'll tell her myself. 
(Lays overcoat on sofa left) 

Nell. Thank you, sir. 

(Cluney starts center and meets Carr.) 

Carr. I forgot my coat. 

Cluney. Hello, father-in-law. Well, how are 
you? 

Carr. (Taking overcoat from chair) Hello, 
James. I'm not your father-in-law — yet. 

Cluney. (Shaking hands) But you will be an 
hour from now, and there's no doubt but that I'm 
the happiest Englishman in America. 

Carr. I hope you are, my boy; I hope you al- 
ways will be. (Door bell rings. To Cluney) 
Someone at the door — see who it is. 

Cluney. Will I see who it is ? Oh, yes, of course, 
all the servants have gone, haven't they? Well, I 
might as well make myself useful before marriage, 
because I will have to do it after! (Exits l. u. e.) 

Carr. Yes, please do. (To Nell) Now I'll 
tell my wife that the new waitress has arrived. 

Nell. No, sir, the maid. 

Carr. Oh, yes, the maid. Why will I be so 
forgetful ! (Exits l. c. After Carr's exit, Nell 
takes quick look around the stage. Goes up c. and 
looks off left. As she hears voices she resumes posi- 
tion back of desk right, after putting empty jezvel 
box in Cluney's pocket, on sofa left) 

Cluney. (Enters l. u., followed by Jamison, 
who crosses to r. c.) Come right in, Mr. Jamison. 
This is quite a surprise. I'll tell Mr. Carr you're 
here. 

Jamison. Thank you, Mr. Cluney, I won't keep 
you a minute. I want to extend my hearty con- 



STOP THIEF 13 

gratulations. I understand you're to become one 
of the family to-day. 

Cluney. Yes, my wedding day. I'm very happy, 
Mr. Jamison. I suppose every man is on his 
wedding day. 

Jamison. (Crosses to l., putting hat on sofa) 
Yes, I believe that's the one day he's really happy. 

Cluney. What ! 

Jamison. (Laughs) Oh, I didn't mean it that 
way. (They shake hands) 

Cluney. Well, I hope not. 

Mrs. Carr. (Enters from l. c. and goes center) 
W T hy, Mr. Jamison, this is a pleasant surprise. 
(To Cluney, who is r. of Mrs. Carr) Good- 
morning, my dear boy. (She shakes hands with 
Cluney) 

Cluney. Good-morning, mother-in-law. 

Mrs. Carr. (Smiles) Not yet. 

Cluney. Not yet, but soon. 

Mrs. Carr. I hope so. 

Jamison. Pardon me. (Shakes hands with Mrs. 
Carr) Congratulations, Mrs. Carr. 

Mrs. Carr. Thank you. 

Cluney. (Up center) Mrs. Carr, this young 
lady is waiting to see you, I believe. (Points to 
Nell) 

Mrs. Carr. (Turns to Nell) Oh, yes, she's 
the new lady's maid. 

Nell. Yes, Ma'am. 

Mrs. Carr. (To Jamison) Excuse me a mo- 
ment, Mr. Jamison. Won't you sit down? 

Jamison. Thank you. 

(Mrs. Carr goes to Nell.) 

Cluney. I'll tell Mr. Carr you want to see him, 
Jamison. (Gets hat and coat and exits l. c.) 
Jamison. Thank you. (Down left) 



i 4 STOP THIEF 

Mrs. Carr. (Up right to Nell) Did you bring 
your things with you? 

Nell. Yes, Ma'am. That is my satchel over 
there, and my trunk will be here later on. (Goes 
l. and picks up satchel, and then crosses up to r. of 
Mrs. Carr) 

Mrs. Carr. Very well, come with me and I will 
take you right up to my daughter's room. (To 
Jamison) You'll excuse me, Mr. Jamison? 

Jamison. Of course, don't mind me. Just want 
to have a short business talk with your husband, 
that's all. 

Mrs. Carr. Oh, I see. (Starts to exit and meets 
Carr entering left center) 

Carr. (Enters l. c. carrying a piece of hose eight 
inches long. To Mrs. Carr) Where's Jamison? 

Mrs. Carr. There he is, dear. (Points to 
Jamison) 

Jamison. Here I am. 

Carr. Hello, Jamison. (Meets Jamison c. and 
shakes hands. Mrs. Carr and Nell exit toward 
center) 

Jamison. Good-morning. Congratulations, Mr. 
Carr. I understand Mr. Cluney is to become your 
son-in-law to-day. 

Carr. Yes, to-day's the day. You must stay for 
the wedding breakfast. 

Jamison. Thanks, but I can't. I'm busy to-day. 
I expect to put through a big deal this morning. 
That's what I've come here for : to prepare you for 
a big surprise. 

Carr. A surprise? I like surprises. 

Jamison. You remember that some time ago I 
borrowed some money from you? 

Carr. Did you? You borrowed money from 
me? Oh, why will I be so forgetful? 

Jamison. You probably remember that I gave 



STOP THIEF 15 

you some steel common stock as security on the 
loan? 

Carr. Yes, yes, the steel stock. Yes, I have 
them in the safe. 

Jamison. Good! Before the day is over I may 
be able to redeem that stock and pay you back ; that 
is, of course, providing I put through the deal I'm 
negotiating. 

Carr. Splendid, splendid ! That's good for you 
and for me. I'm a trifle short. I just purchased a 
beautiful pigeon-blood ruby ring for my daughter 
as a wedding gift. It cost a small fortune. 

Jamison. Yes, yes, I understand. You have the 
stock handy so you can produce it at a moment's 
notice ? 

Carr. Yes, right there in the safe. 

Jamison. That's all I want to know. I must 
run along now. Sorry I can't join you at the wed- 
ding breakfast, but business, you understand, pre- 
vents. Oh, my compliments to your daughter, Mr. 
Carr, and I trust the alliance will prove a happy one. 

Carr. Thank you. 

Jamison. Bye-bye, for now I must rush. 
(Shakes hands with Carr, then crosses up l.) 

Carr. (Goes to door with Jamison, l. u.) I 
trust your business affairs will come out as you 
anticipate. 

Jamison. Thank you. (Exits l. u. e. Door 
slams. Mrs. Carr enters with flozvers, which she 
places on desk r.) 

Carr. (To Mrs. Carr r.) Good news, Mother, 
good news ! Jamison is going to redeem the stock I 
loaned him some money on. 

Mrs. Carr. It's about time, isn't it? William, 
what on earth is that you're carrying in your hand ? 

Carr. (Looking at hose he has in his hand) 
Now, where did I get that? Oh, yes, of course. I 
remember. It's a piece of garden hose, a remark- 



16 STOP THIEF 

ably fine piece of hose. I'm going to have it du- 
plicated. 

Mrs. Carr. William, what a thing to think of on 
such a day ! 

Carr. Such a day? What day is it? 

Mrs. Carr. What day is it? Only your daugh- 
ter's wedding day, that's all. 

Carr. Oh, yes, Madge's wedding day. And, 
Mother, I've bought her a ring. 

Mrs. Carr. You have? 

Carr. Yes, a pigeon-blood ruby costing over a 
thousand dollars. 

Mrs. Carr. Where is it ? Let me see it. 

Carr. I have it here. I want you to see it. Now 
what did I do with it? (Searched himself) 

Mrs. Carr. Don't tell me you've mislaid it, 
W 7 illiam. 

Carr. Oh, I remember, Mother, it's in my over- 
coat in my room. Come, I want you to see it, it's 
very beautiful. I'll go and get it. (Mrs. Carr lays 
ear-trumpet on desk, then takes flozvers up r. and 
arranges them in vase on table. Carr goes up c. 
stops, thinks, then returns to desk) I don't want to 
mislay this hose. (Puts trumpet in drawer of desk 
and exits, calling) Mother, Mother! 

Mrs. Carr. Yes, dear. I'm coming. (Starts up 
c. then returns to desk, picks up hose and follows 
Carr off l. c.) I'm getting as careless as William. 

(Dr. Willoughby enters through zvindow, looks 
around, and on seeing no one, goes to 'phone on 
desk and calls number, after placing medicine 
case and hat on chair left.) 

Dr. Willoughby. 2100 Westminster. (Whistles 
while waiting for number. Joan enters from l. c. 
and on seeing the Doctor, starts giggling) 

Joan. Oh, hello, Dr. Willoughby. 



STOP THIEF 17 

Dr. Willoughby. Hello, Joan, I'll be with you 
in a moment. I was just calling up my office. 

Joan. Why didn't you send me word that you 
were here ? 

Dr. Willoughby. I just arrived. Took a short- 
cut across the lawn, through the window. (In 
'phone) Hello, Mary, this is the doctor. If Mr. 
Works calls up, or anything else important happens, 
you will find me at Mr. Carr's home. I'll be here 
for half an hour. Understand? — Yes. (Hangs up 
receiver and goes to Joan) Just think, in half an 
hour your sister Madge will be a married woman. 

Joan. Yes, isn't it exciting? She has a lady's 
maid, and, oh, everything. 

Dr. Willoughby. A lady's maid? 

Joan. Yes, Mother engaged her. She just got 
here. I do hope you won't be called away before 
the wedding breakfast. 

Dr. Willoughby. So do I. Do you really want 
me to stay? 

Joan. Of course I do. (Sits on sofa and beckons 
Doctor to sit beside her, which he does) Oh, isn't 
it a lot of fun, though? Don't you just love wed- 
dings? (Coquettish business) 

Dr. Willoughby. Do you? 

Joan. I should say so. I'm as nervous as if I 
were going to be married myself. 

Dr. Willoughby. And would you really be 
nervous if you were going to be married yourself? 

Joan. Certainly. Wouldn't you be? 

Dr. Willoughby. I suppose so. 

Joan. Doctor, you and James have had an 
apartment together for a long time now, haven't 
you? 

Doctor. Yes, over a year. 

Joan. Won't you be rather lonesome now that he 
is going to be married ? 

Doctor. (Taking license from pocket) Yes, I 



18 STOP THIEF 

thought of that this morning, so I went down and 
got a marriage license. 

Joan. A marriage license? Why, what for? 

Doctor. Don't you think that your sister and 
my friend James are setting us an example that we 
should profit by? 

Joan. Why, what do you mean, Doctor? 

Doctor. Now, don't call me Doctor. You know 
my name and you know my sentiments, Joan. I 
can't stand this much longer. I'm madly in love 
with you and you know it. 

Joan. What ! 

Doctor. Yes, and you're madly in love with me. 

Joan. Doctor, this is so sudden ! 

Doctor. Joan, I give you my word of honor that 
I will never be a happy man — {'Phone rings. Both 
stop and look at it. Phone rings again Joan crosses 
to desk and answers it. Doctor rises) And I 
nearly had her ! (Puts license in pocket) 

Joan. (Picks up receiver) Hello! Hold the 
wire, please. (Hangs up receiver and smiles at 
Doctor) What were you saying, Doctor? 

Doctor. Joan, answer me. ('Phone rings again) 

Joan. (Answers 'phone) Hello, yes, this is Mr. 
Carr's home. — Who? Nellie Jones? No. There's 
no Nellie Jones in this house. 

Nell. (Has entered l. c.) I guess that's for 
me, Miss. 

Joan. Oh, hold the wire. (To Nell) Your 
brother wants to talk to you. (Gives receiver to 
Nell and crosses to Doctor) 

Nell. Thank you. (In 'phone) Hello? 

Doctor. (To Joan) Who is she? 

Joan. Madge's new maid. 

(Nell waits.) 
Doctor. (Kisses Joan) Come on out on the 



STOP THIEF 19 

lawn where we can be alone. I want to finish what 
I started. 

Joan. Don't talk so loud ; wait till we get on the 
lawn. 

Doctor. Every time I get alone with you, you 
say " wait, wait ". We never get a chance to talk — 
{Etc., etc. Both talk ad lib. as they exit through 
window) 

Nell. (At 'phone) Yes, dear, I understand. 
No, I've only been here ten minutes. Now listen, 
get this quick, Jack. — I've got the lay. Wedding 
presents all over the place — safe in the reception 
room — cinch to handle this nest — easy picking. — 
Come over right away, I'll be on the watch. I've 
grabbed a sparkler already. We can turn the trick 
in half an hour while they're at the wedding break- 
fast. Come to the East window — it opens on the 
lawn. I'll take care of the rest. You got me? 
Hang up. (Caroline has entered from l. c.) Yes, 
brother dear, I like the place. The people here are 
very kind. Good-bye, brother dear. (Hangs up re- 
ceiver and speaks to Caroline) Oh, Miss Caroline, 
I couldn't resist the temptation of telling my brother 
what a fine place I have. 

Caroline. Oh, that's all right. (Looking 
around) Have you seen anything of Mother's ear- 
trumpet ? 

Nell. An ear-trumpet? 

Caroline. Yes, she's mislaid it. (Goes L. u. 
looking) 

Nell. Why, no, Miss, but I'll look around and 
perhaps find it for her somewhere. (Looks R. u. 
Joan and Doctor enter through window) 

Mrs. Carr. (Enters from l. c, and goes center) 
Joan, Caroline, where are you ? Oh, there you 
are. 

Joan. What is it, Mother? 



20 STOP THIEF 

Mrs. Carr. Have either of you seen anything 
of a ruby ring? 

Joan and Caroline. A ruby ring? 

Mrs. Carr. Yes, a ruby ring — pigeon-blood 
rubies worth over a thousand dollars. (To Joan) 
Your father bought it for Madge less than an hour 
ago. It's gone — it's lost — he's mislaid it. 

All. What! (All start looking around room; 
Nell r. works around at back to door l. u. Mrs. 
Carr r. c. Joan l. c. Doctor l. Caroline up r.) 

Carr. (Enters from l. c. and comes to center) 
It's gone, it's gone. I know I had it. I know I did. 
I can swear I had it. Where can it be ? How did I 
lose it? Where did I put it? 

(Madge enters from l. c. and rushes to Mrs. Carr 
r. c.) * 

Madge. Mother, what is it? Mother, dear, tell 
me what's happened? 

Mrs. Carr. We've lost a wedding present for 
you, dear. A ruby ring worth over a thousand 
dollars. Your father has mislaid it. 

Madge. A ruby ring? A present for me? Oh, 
it must be somewhere, it must be. (All are look- 
ing. Door bell rings off l.) 

Joan. There's someone at the door. 

Caroline. (Up r. to Nell) See who it is. 

Nell. Yes, ma'am. (Exits l. c.) 

Mrs. Carr. Come here, all of you. (They gather 
around her) 

Carr. Have you found it? 

Mrs. Carr. No, no, listen. The new girl, the 
maid, is the only stranger in the house. She must 
be searched. (They all start to speak at once. 
Mrs. Carr silences them as Nell re-enters) Well? 

Nell. The Reverend Mr. Spelvin. 

Mrs. Carr. Who? 



STOP THIEF 21 

Nell. The minister. 

All. The minister. 

Minister. (Enters l. u. and crosses to c.) 
Good-morning. 

All. Good-morning. 

Carr. Good-morning, good-morning. (Every- 
body is searching) 

Minister. (Center) Has something been lost? 

Doctor. Yes, your Reverence, a ruby ring. 
Wedding present for Miss Carr from her father. 

Minister. (Up to doors c.) How unfortunate! 
We must find it before the ceremony is performed. 
(All are looking, including minister. Cluney enters 
l. c. bumps into minister) Good-morning, Mr. 
Cluney. 

Cluney. Good-morning. Any trace of it at all? 

All. (Still searching) None. 

Cluney. Why not search other parts of the 
house at the same time? (To Joan) Go along, 
Joan. 

(Joan exits l. c. with minister and Caroline.) 

Doctor. Yes, that's a good idea. 

Cluney. (To Doctor) Not you, I want a word 
with you. (Business with Doctor. Crosses r.) 
Madge ! 

Madge. Yes, dear? 

Cluney. Search other parts of the house. 

Madge. Very well — everywhere — all over the 
house, dear. (Exits l. c.) 

Cluney. (Takes Mrs. Carr up center) Mrs. 
Carr, Dr. Willoughhy and I will go over this room 
very thoroughly, while you search some other part 
of the house. (Mrs. Carr exits l. c. To Carr) 
Mr. Carr, search some other part of the house. 

Carr. Some other part of the house. (Exits 
l. c.) 



22 STOP THIEF 

(Nell, on hearing the preceding conversation and 
suspecting, is on knees back of the sofa l., 
as if looking.) 

Cluney. (l. c. to Dr.) Doctor, there's a mystery 
here. 

Doctor, (l. c.) What do you mean? 

Cluney. I found this in my overcoat pocket. 
(Produces box) 

Doctor. The ring ! 

Cluney. No, but evidently the box the ring came 
in. It's marked " Solomon." That's where he must 
have bought it. The box is empty. It was in my 
pocket; how did it get there? 

Doctor. Someone must have put it there. 

Cluney. Exactly. 

Doctor. What do you make of it? 

Cluney. There's a thief in the house. 

Doctor. What ! 

Cluney. There must be : I didn't put it there. 

Doctor. Are you sure you didn't? 

Cluney. How could I ? Why should I ? There's 
either a plot on foot to ruin me or someone is trying 
to shield himself by throwing the blame on me. 
Thank goodness, the box was empty. Can you 
imagine what would have happened if it had been 
found on me? 

Doctor. Great Scott, this is a mystery ! (Turns 
up c.) 

Joan. (Enters hurriedly from l. c.) Doctor, 
Doctor, come to Mother, she's having hysterics. 
We're afraid she's going to faint. 

Doctor. She must be kept quiet — she must be 
kept quiet. (Exits with Joan l. c.) 

Cluney. Hah, this is a nice wedding day! All 
the servants on strike — mother-in-law in hysterics, 
strange things in my pocket — what the Dickens will 
I do? I know! (Puts empty box on r. u. corner 



STOP THIEF 23 

of desk. Takes receiver from 'phone) Give me 
hysterics — no, no, Central, give me police head- 
quarters, please. {Waits for number) Hello, police 
headquarters, this is Mr. Carr's house, 70 Blank 
Street. Will you send a plain-clothes man here in a 
hurry? Tell him not to see or speak to anyone but 
Mr. Cluney, understand? — What? Mr. Cluney. 
Thank you. (Hangs up receiver. During Cluney's 
talk at 'phone, Nell is moving around at back and 
comes to table, placing ring back in box which 
Cluney has left on desk. Nell exits R. u., as 
Carr, followed by Caroline, enters l. c.) 

Carr. Don't you remember, Caroline? Don't 
you remember my showing it to you here, in this 
room? 

Caroline. Of course I do, Father. You must 
have mislaid it. 

Cluney. What are you going to do about it? 
(Crosses to right corner) 

Carr. I'm going to tell the jeweler it's lost. 
Better still, I'll telephone the newspapers and ad- 
vertise for it, that's what I'll do. (As Carr goes 
toward 'phone he sees box on desk. Cluney sees it 
at the same time. Both reach for it. Carr gets 
it. Cluney goes dozvn right. Carr holds up box) 
That's it. I've found it — I've found it — I've found 
it! 

Caroline. (Runs up center, yelling) He's 
found it — he's found it — he's found it! (Madge, 
Doctor and Minister enter l. c. Minister and 
Caroline stay up center. Madge left center, and 
Cluney dozvn right. Doctor goes right of desk) 

Carr. I've found it — I've found it — I've found 
it. 

Doctor. That's good. Where did you find it? 

Carr. Right here on the desk just where I laid 
it. See, here's the box. 



24 STOP THIEF 

Cluney. (To Doctor) That's the empty box I 
left there. (Sits on edge of desk) 
Doctor. (Right) Oh, Lord! 
Madge. May I see it, Daddy? 

(Carr hands Madge box.) 

Carr. Isn't it a beauty? 

(Madge takes ring from box. Doctor and Cluney 
stare in surprise.) 

Madge. It's gorgeous ! (Over to Cluney) James 
dear, look ! A beautiful pigeon-blood ruby. (Kisses 
Carr) You're just the dearest Dad in all the 

world. 

Minister. Don't you think we had better per- 
form the ceremony now that we are all happy again ? 

All. Yes, yes, the ceremony. Come on, come 
on. 

(Caroline and minister exit l. c.) 

Madge. (Takes Cluney's hands r. c.) Yes, 
come, James, I'm ready to be made Mrs. Cluney. 

Cluney. Just a moment, darling. I want a few 
words with Dr. Willoughby first. 

Madge. Well, you won't delay, will you, dear? 

Cluney. I won't. 

Madge. Come, Daddy. 

Carr. You won't keep us waiting, will you, boys ? 
(Goes up c. zvith Madge) 

Cluney. No, we won't. 

Madge. You'll hurry, won't you, dear? (Carr 
and Madge exit c. l. All are off except Cluney 
and Doctor) 

Cluney. (l. c.) What do you make of this? 



STOP THIEF 25 

Doctor, (r. c.) I thought you said the box was 
empty ? 

Cluney. So it was. 

Doctor. But it wasn't. 

Cluney. I can swear it was. 

Doctor. Well, the ring couldn't have walked 
back in the box. 

Cluney. That's true, too, but 

Doctor. See here, James, are you absolutely 
sure you didn't take that box and put it in your 
pocket ? 

Cluney. Of course I am. I never saw the 
damn thing till I found it there. 

Doctor. Are you sure you're not mistaken? 

Cluney. How could I be mistaken? 

Doctor. You were mistaken about the box being 
empty, weren't you? 

Cluney. I don't think so, but — (Crosses to r.) 
Say, Doctor, what the dickens is the matter with me 
anyway? (Feels in pocket and pulls out watch) 
What the devil is this ? 

Doctor. (Crosses to him) My watch. 

Cluney. Where did I get it? 

Doctor. That's just it; where did you get it? 

Cluney. Oh, yes, I was in your room this morn- 
ing — must have taken it unconsciously. (Starts to 
put watch back in his pocket, catches himself and 
hands it back to Doctor) 

Doctor. Unconsciously. (Pauses) See here, 
James, I want you to tell me something. I want 
the truth. Now don't be offended. Have you ever 
taken anything before? 

Cluney. What the devil do you mean ? Do you 
think I'm a thief? 

Doctor. No, no, don't misunderstand me. 

Cluney. Do you mean to insinuate that I take 
things ? 



26 STOP THIEF 

Doctor. Unconsciously, I mean, in a moment of 
excitement like this — your wedding day. 

Cluney. I never heard of such rot. 

Doctor. Unconscious kleptomania? Why, it's 
common nowadays. 

Cluney. It is ? 

Doctor. Of course. I know hundreds of cases. 
To your knowledge, was there ever a kleptomaniac 
in your family? 

Cluney. Do you mean to say that you think — ? 

Doctor. Now, don't dodge the question ! 
Answer me truthfully : have you ever heard of it in 
your family? 

Cluney. Why? Is it hereditary? 

Doctor. Positively. 

Cluney. (Thinks — looks wild-eyed) My Lord, 
I did have an uncle once ! 

Doctor. I thought so. (Quiets Cluney) Don't 
let is excite you, it's not incurable. We'll get it 
in its early stages and 

Cluney. (Crosses l. and sits on sofa) Early 
stages be damned ! 

Doctor. (Sits on sofa with Cluney) Please 
keep cool ; it's no crime, it's a disease. 

Cluney. Disease ! 

Doctor. Don't lose your temper. If your nerves 
fail you'll lose your power of will to regulate your 
actions — and don't mention this to a soul. If they 
ever learn that your uncle was a kleptomaniac 
they'll watch you like hawks. 

Cluney. Hawks ! Don't talk about hawks — I 
hate them! Now, see here, Doctor, this is ridicul- 
ous. Why, you don't imagine for a moment that — ? 
(Crosses to r.) 

Doctor. (Follows Cluney r. and interrupts) 
There, there, now, change the subject. 

Cluney. Then you really believe that I've in- 
herited that confounded uncle's infirmity? 



STOP THIEF 27 

Doctor. Forget it, please. I know what's best, 
and I tell you to forget it. 

Cluney. Forget it! One moment you tell me 
I'm a kleptomaniac and the next moment you tell 
me to forget it. Ha ! 

Doctor. Here's something to occupy your mind — 
your international steel bonds. (Takes bonds from 
pocket and hands them to Cluney) 

Cluney. Steel bonds? I don't want any steel 
bonds. 

Doctor. Why, you 'phoned me to get them out 
of the vault and bring them to you. 

Cluney. I did? 

Doctor. Yes, don't you remember? 

Cluney. Oh, Lord, I'm so excited I forgot. 
I'm going to give them to Madge for a wedding 
present. 

Doctor. That's a bully idea! (Slaps Cluney 
on shoulder) Now remember my advice; drive 
that other thing from your mind entirely. 

Cluney. But, Doctor, what if it's true? What 
if I am a kleptomaniac, and should start taking 
things ? What could I say ? How could I explain ? 

(Carr enters l. c, looking around room.) 

Doctor. Hush, hush, please. 

Cluney. But what if something should be lost? 

Carr. Mother's lost her ear-trumpet. 

Cluney. My Lord ! 

Carr. A beautiful jewelled ear-trumpet. 

Cluney. (To Doctor) Do you suppose ? 

Doctor. No, no. 

Carr. Flave either of you seen it? 

Doctor. (Crossing to Carr) An ear-trumpet? 

Carr. Mother thought this was it. (Holds up 
hose) I can swear I put this hose in that drawer 
the last time I was in this room. ( Opens drawer of 



2 S STOP THIEF 

desk) Why here it is. (Takes trumpet from 
drawer) 

Doctor and Cluney. (Eagerly) The ear- 
trumpet ? 

Carr. How did it get in there ? (Pitts hose back 
in drawer and ear-trumpet on desk. To Cluney) 
Madge told me to tell you 

Cluney. (Down right) Mr. Carr, will you 
please put this in a safe place for me until after the 
wedding ? 

Carr. What is it? 

Cluney. A present for Madge. 

Carr. (Takes bonds from Cluney and looks at 
them) International steel bonds. (Laughs) I've 
got a bundle of them in the safe now. Took them 
from Jamison as security on a loan. They don't 
earn enough to pay interest. He's going to redeem 
them to-day, thank Heaven. No more speculative 
stock for me. 

Doctor. But these are not speculative : these are 
bonds guaranteed to pay six per cent. The common 
stock is speculative. Perhaps that's what you've 
taken as security. 

Carr. (Looks at bonds) Oh, that's so. These 
are bonds. Put them in the safe, James. (Hands 
Cluney bonds and goes up c.) 

Cluney. (Goes to safe) It's locked. 

Carr. I'll give you the combination. (As Carr 
is giving Cluney the combination of safe, the 
Doctor is on Carr's left looking at note book from 
which Carr is reading. Carr looks at Doctor 
suspiciously) Start at 16. 

Cluney. Start at 16. 

Carr. Three right to 48. 

Cluney. Three right to 48. 

Carr. Four left to 32. 

Cluney. Four left to 32. 

Carr. Then turn the knob. 



STOP THIEF 29 

Cluney. Then turn the knob. (After he has 
opened the safe) Here, Mr. Carr, you put them 
in the safe, please. I'd rather you'd do it, if you 
don't mind. (Hands bonds to Carr, who returns to 
safe) 

Carr. (Takes bonds from Cluney) Certainty. 
What's the matter ? Afraid to trust yourself around 
where there's valuable articles? (Cluney and 
Doctor stare at each other. Carr laughs and puts 
bonds in safe and takes out sunburst) See here, 
what do you think of that? 

Cluney. (Starts to take sunburst, and then puts 
hands behind him) By George, that's a beauty! I 
didn't know you went in for jewelry. 

Carr. It's an old heirloom. 

Doctor. It's a corker! Must be a hundred cut 
stones. 

Carr. (Takes sunburst from "Doctor) Mother's 
afraid of losing it. It will be Madge's some day. 

Doctor. (Up to back of desk) I envy her. 

Mrs. Carr. (Off left) William, William, did 
you find my ear-trumpet, dear? 

Carr. {Closes safe, but doesn't lock it) Your 
ear-trumpet ? Yes, here it is. (Picks up 'phone and 
starts up center) 

Doctor. Here, you've got the wrong article 
again. (Hands Carr trumpet and replaces 'phone 
on desk) 

Carr. Oh, why will I be so forgetful? (Exits 
l. c.) 

Doctor. He's nearly as bad as you are. 

Cluney. (Up center) Doctor, this is a very 
serious matter. If you really think I'm a klepto- 
maniac this marriage ought to be postponed. 

Doctor. (As he and Cluney exit l. c. talking 
ad. lib.) Now you go on with the ceremony and 
after it's all over I'll take up the case for you, and 



3 o STOP THIEF 

everything will be all right — (Etc., etc. Exits L. c.) 

Doogan. (Enters from window left, looks around 
room, goes up right to door, and then left to center) 
Hist! Hist! (Nell comes from r. c, and stands 
looking straight ahead. He pantomimes Nell to 
close doors. She pulls doors together c. Doogan 
goes to window l. and draws curtains. They meet 
center) Some swell dump, Nell. (He kisses Nell. 
She pushes him away) 

Nell. Wait, Jack. 

Doogan. What's the matter? 

Nell. Take it on the run, Jack, we're in wrong 
here. 

Doogan. What do you mean? 

Nell. They've telephoned headquarters for a 
plain-clothes man. 

Doogan. You mean they're on to us? 

Nell. No, they thought they'd lost a ring. I 
copped it, but slipped it back. 

Doogan. What did you do that for? 

Nell. So they'd find it and stop the search. I'll 
stick around here, Jack. You go and beat it. 

Doogan. And leave you here to take a chance? 
(Crosses R.) Not on your life. Not me. 

Nell. We'll be nabbed sure if you don't, Jack. 

Doogan. Now, don't get panickey, don't get 
panickey. We'll turn this crib in less time than it 
takes to tell it. We're bound to have luck now that 
we're going to turn straight. Remember, this is to 
be our last trick. 

Nell. Do you mean that, Jack? 

Doogan. I gave you my word, didn't I? 

Nell. Yes, Jack. 

Doogan. Say, what's the matter, don't you think 
I love you? 

Nell. Yes, Jack. 

Doogan. You're going to marry me, ain't you? 

Nell. Yes, Jack. 



STOP THIEF 31 

Doogan. That's why I'm going straight. 

Nell. But will you stay straight, Jack? 

Doogan. Why, of course I will. Say, look here, 
Nell, everybody in the world has got an ambition; 
you're mine, honey. Here's the marriage license. 
(Shows her license) We'll be spliced this afternoon 
and then the straight and narrow for ours for ever- 
more, but we've got to get a bank roll' to make an 
honest start with, ain't we? 

Nell. Sure, Jack. 

Doogan. (Kisses Nell. Turns right) Sure! 
Come on, let's clean up. What's loose? 

Nell. Wedding presents and the family silver. 

Doogan. Family silver ain't enough to make an 
honest start with. Have you got the combination of 
this? (Points to safe) 

Nell. No, I've been here only twenty minutes. 

Doogan. I'll turn it inside out in less time than 
that. (Points to closet) What's this? 

Nell. Closet. 

Doogan. Quick, give me the house-plan. 

Nell. (Up c. Pointing to l. u. door) This 
door — front hall to the street. 

Doogan. (Back of desk. Points up-stage r.) 
And this ? 

Nell. Dining-room with a clean shoot to the 
servants' entry and kitchen. (Doogan points c.) 
Middle hall. A getaway front or back. 

Doogan. Fine ! 

Nell. Do you get me? 

Doogan. I got you, Steve. 

Nell. (As voices are heard off-stage) Quick, 
get in there. (Doogan hides in closet. Nell pulls 
back curtains l. as Mr. and Mrs. Carr enter) 

Mrs. Carr. (Off-stage) .Yes, most extraordinary. 
I was showing it to Joan in this room only a few 
moments ago. 



32 STOP THIEF 

Carr. (r. c.) Where could you have laid it. 
Mother? 

Mrs. Carr. (l. c.) I told you, dear, that I 
showed it to Joan, and she tells me that she showed 
it to you. 

Carr. (Right) Nonsense. 

Nell. (Back of sofa l.) Did you find the ring, 
Ma'am ? 

Mrs. Carr. (l. c.) Oh, yes, we found the ring, 
but now we've lost a diamond bracelet. 

Nell. A diamond bracelet, Ma'am? 

Mrs. Carr. Yes, most extraordinary, I was 
showing it to Miss Joan in this room only a moment 
ago. (Looking around room) 

Carr. (Looking around R.) But you haven't 
been in here since then, Mother. It must be in some 
other part of the house. (Searches r.) 

Nell. (Going up c.) I'll look all over, ma'am. 
Perhaps you dropped it on the stairs. I'll search 
very thoroughly. (Exits l. c.) 

Mrs. Carr. (As Nell exits) Yes, do. (To 
Carr right) William, I hate to suggest it, but are 
you sure you haven't taken it? 

Carr. Mother, how could I ? (Searches 

and finds bracelet in his pocket) Here it is. Now, 
how did it get in my pocket? 

Mrs. Carr. (Takes bracelet from him) Wil- 
liam, you're back to taking things again. 

Carr. Mother, I haven't taken anything in years. 

Mrs. Carr. (Sits l. of desk) William, I wish 
you would realize what a dreadful thing it would 
be for Madge, if James should find out about your 
affliction. He would think you were a 

Carr. (r. of desk) A thief — a thief. Go on, 
say it. Anyone who knows me knows better. They 
know that when I take things I always put them 
back — if I don't forget it. It's absent-mindedness, 
Mother. I just can't help it. 



STOP THIEF 33 

Mrs. Carr. (Lays trumpet and bracelet on desk 
and goes l. for books) I know, dear. I know, but 
do be careful. Please be careful for Madge's sake. 

Carr. (Picks up bracelet and trumpet from table 
and puts them in his pocket) I'll be careful, 
Mother. I'll be careful. 

Mrs. Carr. (Returning to desk) Where is it? 
I laid it here a moment ago. 

Carr. (Taking tilings from pocket) Here it is. 

Mrs. Carr. (Turning l.) William! 



(Carr places trumpet and bracelet on book-case, 
right, and then moves down r. with his hands 
up.) 

Doctor. (Enters l. c.) Madge wants you, Mrs. 
Carr. She asked me to tell you 

Mrs. Carr. Yes, thanks, Doctor. Come along, 
William. (Exits l. c.) 

Doctor. Mr. Carr, Mrs. Carr wants you. 

Carr. Which way did she go? 

Doctor. That way. (Points l. c. Carr goes 
quickly in opposite direction off r. c. Doctor goes 
to 'phone quickly) Hello! (Doogan opens door 
of closet and picks up trumpet and bracelet) Give 
me police headquarters. 

(Doogan quickly replaces trumpet and bracelet on 
book-case and closes closet door. Cluney 
enters as Doctor is waiting for number.) 

Cluney. (Center) Who are you telephoning 
for? 

Doctor. Police headquarters. I want to tell 
them not to send that man over here. We don't 
want any policemen around here. The ring's been 
found. 

Cluney. Better have him over anyway. 



34 STOP THIEF 

Doctor. What for? 

Cluney. To watch me. I'm liable to take some- 
thing if I'm not watched. Don't you think so ? 

Doctor. But you can't explain his presence in the 
house, (In 'phone) Hello, headquarters, this is 
Mr. Carr's home. Mr. Cluney 'phoned to you — 
what? The man's on the way? 

Cluney. Good ! 

Doctor. Oh, all right, I'll explain to him when 
he gets here. (Hangs receiver up. Crosses l. u. 
for medicine bag and hat) They've sent a de- 
tective, all right. He's on his way here now. I tell 
you what I'll do. I'll run down to the corner an 
wait for him and stall him off. We certainly don't 
want any detective in the house on your wedding 
day. (Puts on hat) 

Doocan. (Opens closet door and takes trumpet 
and bracelet) I should say not. (Closes door) 

Cluney. What ? 

Doctor. I didn't say anything. (He exits l. u. 

E.) 

Cluney. (l. c.) He didn't say anything. 
What's the matter with me? Am I beginning to 
hear things as well as take them? 

Madge. (Enters from l. c. Takes Cluney's 
hands) James, the minister is waiting. We're all 
ready. Come on, dearest. 

Cluney. Wait, darling. 

Madge. Wait? What for, pet? 

Cluney. Dr. Willoughby has gone, sweetheart. 

Madge. The best man gone? 

Cluney. Yes. We can't be married without the 
best man, can we? 

(Carr crosses from r. to l. and up c. searching 
himself.) 

Madge. Well, where did he go, dearest? 
Cluney. I don't know. Yes, I do, he's gone 



STOP THIEF 35 

across the street and will be back in a mo- 
ment. 

Madge. Oh, well, then that's all right. 

Mrs. Carr. (Enters from l. c, followed by 
Carr) William, this is too much. Madge, he's 
mislaid my ear-trumpet again. 

Madge, (l. c.) Your ear trumpet? 

Mrs. Carr. (Center) Yes, dear. William, 
what did you do with it ? You had it in your hand. 

Carr. (Goes to book case r.) I put it right 
here. (Looks on top of desk) No. I only thought 
I did. Now, what did I do with it? (Down r.) 

Mrs. Carr. (Crosses to Carr) And, William, 
the diamond bracelet. You had it in your hand at 
the same time. What did you do with that? 

Madge. A diamond bracelet, Mother? 

(Cluney is in l. corner and Carr r. corner, both 
searching their pockets.) 

Mrs. Carr. Yes, darling, my wedding present to 
you. What did you do with it, William? 

Carr. I don't know, I don't know. Why will I 
be so forgetful? 

Mrs. Carr. Come, Madge, we'll have to search 
the house again. Oh, this is awful. 

Madge. Perhaps he left it in his own room, 
Mother. Have you looked there ? 

Mrs. Carr. (Goes up c. with Madge) No, no. 
Come, dear we'll go and see. 

(Minister and Caroline enter l. c.) 

Minister. I'm sorry to hurry you folks, but I've 
another ceremony to perform, so I must hurry. 

Mrs. Carr. I can't hear a word you are saying. 
(Exits l. c., followed by Caroline) 

Minister. I say, I 

Madge. We'll be ready in just a few moments. 



36 STOP THIEF 

We've lost a diamond bracelet and we want to find 
it before the ceremony. (Exits l. c. Carr is 
searching right. Cluney is searching his pockets, 
left) 

Minister. Something else lost? Gracious, 
that's too bad! (c. to Carr) Have you seen the 
bracelet, sir? 

Carr. No, no ! 

Minister. (To Cluney) Have you seen it, 
sir? 

Cluney. No, that's why I'm looking for it. 

Minister. Dear, dear, dear, now there will be 
another postponement. (Exits l. c.) 

Carr. Strange where those things could have 
gone to. 

Cluney. I can't understand it at all. (Search- 
ing in secretary up l.) 

Carr. How long have you been in this room 
alone ? e> 

Cluney. Just a few minutes. Why? 

Carr. Are you sure you didn't see them? 

Cluney. Certainly not ! Don't you suppose I'd 
tell you if I had? 

Carr. Well, I can swear they were in this room 
the last time I was here. 

Cluney. A diamond bracelet and a jewelled 
ear-trumpet are not the right things to leave lying 
around loose. 

Carr. Has anyone been in here with you? 

Cluney. Yes, Dr. Willoughby was here. 

Carr. Oh, nonsense, he wouldn't take them! 
(Cluney is still looking) Anybody else? 

Cluney. Not that I know of. 

Carr. (Up near c. opening) Are you sure you 
didn't see them? 

Cluney. (Slams drawer. Carr jumps) Mr. 
Carr, what do you mean to insinuate by all this 
cross-questioning ? 



STOP THIEF 37 

Carr. Oh, nothing, nothing. There must be a 
kleptomaniac in the house. (Exits l. c.) 

Cluney. My Lord, he suspects me ! (Sinks into 
chair r. Doctor enters l. u.) 

Doctor. Nobody in sight that looks like a de- 
tective to me. (Cluney leaps to his feet) What's 
the matter with you? 

Cluney. (Brings Doctor down c.) Doctor, 
come here. There's a diamond bracelet been stolen. 
I suppose I took it, but I don't remember the 
slightest thing about it, on my word of honor. 

Doctor. (Laughs) Say, this thing is preying 
on your mind so 

Cluney. No, it was lost here in this room. 
Everybody is searching for it everywhere and can't 
find it anywhere. 

Doctor. A diamond bracelet? That's funny. 
(Starts to search) You say it was lost in this 
room ? 

Cluney. Yes, and I'm not going to take any 
more chances. I'm convinced that I have inherited 
that confounded uncle's " whachamaycallem ". I'm 
going outside to meet that detective, explain my 
case to him and have him here to watch me. 

Doctor. But that wouldn't do any good. This is 
a ridiculous thing. Why 

Cluney. I know it's ridiculous. I'm going to get 
my hat and coat and go out and meet him. (Starts 
up c. and meets Joan coming in from l. c.) 

Joan. Has anybody found the bracelet? 

Cluney. No, but I'll find it. I can find any- 
thing if I'm only watched. You watch me. (Exits 

L. C.) 

Joan. (Watches Cluney, wondering at his 
actions. To Doctor) W T hy, Doctor, what's hap- 
pened to James? 

Doctor. Oh, he's all right. He's a little excited, 
that's all. 



38 STOP THIEF 

Joan. Such curious disappearances ! First the 
ring, now the bracelet, and Mother can't find her 
ear-trumpet, either. 

Doctor. Her ear-trumpet? Is that gone again? 

Joan. Yes, isn't that strange? 

Cluney. (Enters c. with hat and coat on) 
Excuse me. (Crosses to door l. u.) 

Joan. Where are you going? 

Cluney. I'm going outside to meet him. 

Joan. To meet whom? 

Cluney. Dr. Willoughby will tell you. (To 
Doctor) You explain it to her. 

Doctor. But I can't explain. 

Cluney. Never mind, then make love to her. 
(Exits l. u.) 

Joan. Doesn't he act queer? 

Doctor. Oh, he'll be all right; he's naturally 
nervous. His wedding day, you know. 

Joan. Oh, I can hardly wait to see them married. 

Doctor. I wish it were our wedding day. 

Joan. (Up c.) We haven't time to talk about 
that now. 

Doctor. But, tell me, don't you ? 

Joan. Wait until we find the bracelet. (Exits 
L. c.) 

Doctor. Now it's up to me to find that bracelet. 
(Exits l. c, following Joan) 

Nell. (Enters r. c. with bundle of wedding 
presents. Goes to closet and- opens door) Jack ! 

Doogan. (Draws back as if to strike, as Nell, 
opens door, then realizing who it is, speaks after 
crossing around to l. c.) Gee, I came near landing 
on you that time, kid. You want to knock when 
you come into my room. 

Nell. (r. c.) Go on, beat it, we'll be nabbed 
if you don't ! 

Doogan. Not on your life, not on your life! 



STOP THIEF 39 

Not until we get some of this stuff, and judging 
from these, it's all right, what? 

Nell. (Shows bundle of presents) Here, grab 
this and scoot, Jack. 

Doogan. What is it? 

Nell. Jewelry — the wedding presents. (Both 
are tying cloth containing presents) 

Doogan. Our wedding presents. 

Nell. I grabbed them all. Take it on the fly. 
I'll meet you at the Union depot in thirty minutes. 

Doogan. Kid, you're a brick. (Crosses r.) I 
wish I could get a crack at that safe before I blow. 
(Lays bundle in chair r. of desk) 

Nell. (At 'window) Get back there quick, Jack. 
Someone is coming. 

Doogan. (As he rushes back into closet) Watch 
that bundle. 

Nell. Sure. (She busies herself at desk as 
detective enters through window. From the time 
she sees the detective she never takes her eyes from 
hint during the entire scene) 

Detective. (Enters through window, walks 
around room staring at Nell, watching her all th£ 
time. He then circles back until he is l. c., and she 
r. c.) What are you looking at? 

Nell. Nothing, sir. 

Detective. Is this the way they generally come 
into this house, through the window? 

Nell. Sometimes, sir. 

Detective. Sometimes? Who are you? 

Nell. I'm the lady's maid, sir. 

Detective. Lady's maid? I want to see Mr. 
Cluney. 

Nell. He's out, sir. 

Detective. Out ? 

Nell. Yes, sir. 

Detective. All right, then I'll wait for him. 

Nell. Shall I tell the family you wish to see — ? 



4 o STOP THIEF 

(Doogan opens door a trifle, trying to hear.) 

Detective. (Interrupts Nell) No, I don't want 
to see the family: just Cluney, that's all. You slip 
him one of these cards when he comes in and tell 
him I'm waiting in here for him. 

Nell. (Reads card) Yes, sir. Police head- 
quarters. 

Detective. Uh, huh! (Doogan slams closet 
door shut) What's that? (Jumps up from sofa) 

Nell. What's what ? 

Detective. What's that noise? 

Nell. Which noise, sir? 

Detective. That! (Makes peculiar guttural 
sound as if rattling door) 

Nell. The wind, I guess, sir. 

Detective. The wind, eh? (Looks closely at 
her and circles around to right of her) What's that 
door? 

Nell. Which door? 

Detective. (Pointing) The one you're look- 
ing at — that door. 

Nell. That? Just a door, sir. 

Detective. Just a door, eh? I suppose that's 
a chair? 

Nell. Yes, sir. 

Detective. Anyone in there ? 

Nell. (Stutters) Eh? What, sir? 

Detective. Say, what's the matter with you? 

Nell. Nothing, sir. 

(Detective looks at Nell suspiciously, then goes 
over to closet and opens door. Doogan is 
found in closet with his back to audience. He 
steps out.) 

Doogan. Hello. 



STOP THIEF 41 

Detective. Hello, what are you doing in that 
closet ? 

Doogan. I was just hanging up my coat. 

Detective. Hanging up your coat, eh ? Who are 
you? 

Doogan. Huh? 

Detective. Who are you? 

Nell. Oh, this is Mr. Cluney, sir. The gentle- 
man you asked to see. 

(Doogan snaps fingers. Detective turns and al- 
most catches him.) 

Detective. Are you Mr. Cluney? 

(Nell is pantomiming to Doogan that the man is a 
detective. Doogan zvatches her, but is unable to 
understand what she means.) 

Doogan. (To Nell) Huh? (To Detective) 
I mean ugh ! 

Detective. Are you Cluney? 

Doogan. Yes. Are you the detective I sent for? 

Detective. I'm from headquarters. Are you 
Cluney ? 

Doogan. Yes. (Detective slams closet door 
shut) Don't! 

Detective. (To Doogan) Excuse me. (Crosses 
to Nell) You said Cluney was out. 

Doogan. (Crosses to detective) Yes, I told her 
to say that. Sh ! Look here, I've got a big case 
for you. Sh! (All turn right) But you've got to 
keep it quiet. 

Nell. Sh! (All turn left) 

Doogan. Now, listen, I want you to sneak out of 
this house without anyone seeing you and come back 
in an hour. (Detective looks at Nell and then at 
Doogan) It's a mysterious case. 



42 STOP THIEF 

Detective. Eh ? 

Doogan. I can't tell you what it is now, but you 
run on, sneak out and be back in an hour. 

Detective. What the he — ? What's this all 
about, anyway? 

Doogan. Please do as I say or you'll spoil your 
chances of unravelling this mystery. It's a secret 
case. 

Detective. Oh, I see. (Points to Nell) 

Doogan. Yes, the only witness. Go on, do as I 
tell you : sneak out and be back in an hour. 

Nell. Don't be late, sir. Be back in one hour 
and we'll catch them sure. 

Detective. (Interested) Them? Is there more 
than one? 

Doogan. Yes, sure : two of them. Better bring 
an assistant along. Don't forget : one hour. 

Detective. I'll be here. (Starts l. Doogan 
goes up c, motioning Nell to take detective off r. 
u.) 

Nell. Better come this way, sir — the back door 
through the kitchen. Some of the family might see 
you. But be very quiet. (Detective starts. Nell 
and Doogan motion for him to be quiet. Nell tip- 
toes tozvard door r., detective following in like 
manner) 

Doogan and Nell. Sh! 

Doogan. (To detective) Are you a good de- 
tective ? 

Detective. Good ? 

Doogan. Sh ! 

Detective. I'm the best detective in the State 
of Rhode Island. (Exits r. u. e. Nell and 
Doogan exchange significant looks, then Nell exits 
r. u. E.) 

Doogan. (Goes to safe) Gee, that was a close 
shave! (He watches them cross to safe) Oh, you 



STOP THIEF 43 

baby, it's open! (Nell enters. Doogan falls flat 
on floor) 

Nell. It's all right, Jack. (While Doogan is 
going thru safe, Nell watches all doors, and at last 
the window left) 

Doogan. I thought it was that good detective 
again. (Takes papers from safe) Steel common — • 
steel common — I'm no piker : I couldn't ! (Puts 
them back in safe) Steel bonds — I'll tear the 
coupons off; I can use them. (Puts coupons in 
pocket) Gee, a sunburst! A bird, too. 

Nell. How did you get into it, Jack? 

Doogan. It was open. Look at this sunburst. 

Nell. (At window) Gee! Quick, Jack, some- 
one's coming ! 

Doogan. Maybe I can make it. (Picks up 
bundle, starts to run, and meets Cluney, who enters 
thru windozv l. Doogan is R. c. Nell is l. of 
Cluney) Hello. 

Cluney. (l. c.) Hello, who might you be? 

Doogan. I might be 

Nell. This gentleman said he was telephoned 
for. Here's his card. 

Doogan. (Aside) She's a bird. 

Cluney. What ? 

Doogan. I didn't say anything. 

Cluney. He didn't say anything. (Looking at 
card. Doogan pantomimes to Nell. Nell 
pantomimes, "yes") 

Doogan. Are you Mr. Cluney? 

Nell. Yes, sir. 

Cluney. (Reading card) Oh, Police Head- 
quarters. I've just been outside looking for you. 
Just excuse me a moment, I want to have a word 
with this girl. (Turns to Nell) I wonder if I can 
trust you? 

Nell. Oh, sir ! 



44 STOP THIEF 

Cluney. You see, this gentleman is a detective 
and I don't want a word said about his being here. 

(Doogan places bundle on chair l. of desk.) 

Nell. You may depend on me, sir. 

Cluney. You see, there are some things missing 
around here, and this gentleman has come over to 
investigate. 

Nell. Do they think the things were stolen, 
sir? 

Cluney. Yes. 

Nell. And do they suspect anyone, sir? 

Cluney. Well, I think that I— No— I don't 
know. You see there's a diamond bracelet and a 
jewelled ear-trumpet missing, and everybody is 
searching for them everywhere. 

(Doogan slips ear-trumpet and bracelet into 
Cluney's pocket.) 

Nell. You don't say so, sir ! 

Cluney. I don't want you to say a word about 
this gentleman being a detective. 

Nell. No, sir. 

Cluney. Take that. {Gives Nell money) 

Nell. Thank you. 

Cluney. Perhaps you will find some more where 
that came from. Now you may go. 

Nell. Yes, sir. (Crosses to Doogan) Shall I 
take your things, sir? (Picks up bundle) 

Doogan. If you don't mind, my good girl. (To 
Cluney) Just a few presents I was taking home 
when I was detained here. 

Cluney. Put them where nobody can get them. 

Nell. You can leave that to me, sir. (Exit l. c., 
closing doors) 



STOP THIEF 45 

Cluney. Now, listen, this is a peculiar case. I'll 
explain in a few words. I'm a kleptomaniac. 

Doogan. Klepto — what? 

Cluney. Maniac ! 

Doogan. You're a maniac? 

Cluney. No, no, a kleptomaniac. That's worse, 
I steal things, but I do so unconsciously. 

Doogan. Can you get away with it? 

Cluney. Well, I have. I got away with a 
diamond braclet and a jewelled ear-trumpet. 

Doogan. The hell you did ! 

Cluney. Funny part of it is I don't know w T hat 
I've done with them. 

Doogan.' I'll be damned! 

Cluney. I only found this out ten minutes ago. 
My doctor discovered it. 

Doogan. Looney ! 

Cluney. Clunev, that's right, Clunev. I'll tell 
you what I want you to do : I want you to stay 
right here and watch me. Will you do that? 

Doogan. Sure I will. 

Cluney. For Heaven's sake, don't let me take 
anything ! 

Doogan. Not if I see it first. 

Cluney. Splendid. Now, I'll introduce you to 
the family as an old friend of mine. Let's see, 
your name is ? (Starts for card) 

Doogan. Never mind that card. Call me any- 
thing — call me Doogan, Jack Doogan. 

Cluney. Doogan — all right. Now, another 
thing — this is my wedding day, and you are here to 
attend the ceremony. Do you follow me? 

Doogan. Sure. I'll follow you all over the 
house. 

Cluney. That's the idea. 

Doogan. That's funny — this is my wedding 
day, too. 

Cluney. Is it? 



46 STOP THIEF 

Doogan. Yes. 

Cluney. You don't find yourself taking things 
unconsciously, do you? 

Doogan. I never take things unconsciously. 

Cluney. It seems I do. 

Doogan. Gee, what an alibi ! 

Cluney. Huh? 

Doogan. Huh? I didn't say anything. 

Cluney. He didn't say anything. 

Doogan. You mean to say you take things with- 
out knowing you do it? 

Cluney. Evidently. 

Doogan. Look here, if anything is lost they 
won't blame it on me, will they? 

Cluney. Now, don't you worry about that, 
I'll 

Doogan. Gee, what a cinch! 

Cluney. I'm afraid I'm going to be a very 
hard case for you. 

Doogan. Hard ? You're the softest case I ever 
struck. 

Cluney. You mean to say there are others like 
me? 

Doogan. The penitentiary is full of them. 
(Voices are heard off-stage) I know a place to 
hide. (Starts for closet) 

Cluney. (Taking Doogan l.) Hush, here's the 
family — change the subject. (Shakes Doogan's 
hand and laughs) Well, well, Jack, I'm awfully 
glad you're here. Just in time to see your old pal 
married — just in time. 

Doogan. I wouldn't have missed it for anything. 
(The Doctor, Mr. and Mrs. Carr, Madge, Caro- 
line, Joan and minister enter and see greeting be- 
tween Doogan and Cluney. Doogan is l. of 
Cluney. Doctor drops down to l. corner. All 
others line up in the order in which they are in- 
troduced, from l. c. to r. of corner) 



STOP THIEF 47 

Madge. Come, James. We've given up the 
search for the bracelet. The minister insists that 
the ceremony be performed at once. 

Minister. Yes, I must get away. 

Cluney. Yes, yes, but first I want to introduce 
my old friend Mr. Jack Doogan. My wife-to-be — 
her mother — her sister, her other sister — the minister 
who's going to do it — her father, and Dr. Will- 
oughby. 

Doogan. (Turns l. to Doctor) How are you? 

Doctor. Who is he? 

Cluney. (Aside to Doctor) The detective. 

Doogan. (To Madge) Tickled to death. 

Madge. I'm so glad, Mr. Doogan. This is my 
mother. 

Doogan. (Crosses to Mrs. Carr and offers hand, 
which she ignores) How are you, mother? 

Madge. She's a little deaf. 

Doogan. She's blind too, ain't she ? (Crosses to 
Joan) Hello, cutey! 

Caroline. My name's Caroline, 

Doogan. Good-morning, Carrie. (Crosses to 
Minister) Well, how's the Dominie? (Shakes 
hands with Carr) What's the matter, did you 
break your wrist? Well, now that I've met every- 
body, I feel right at home. (Crosses c. to Madge) 

Madge. So you're an old friend of Mr. Cluney's ? 

Doogan. (Crosses to Cluney) Yes, we're col- 
lege chums, ain't we, Looney? 

All. Looney ? 

Cluney. (l. to Doogan) Cluney, Cluney. 
(To others) Looney — that's the nickname I had 
when we were at college. 

Mrs. Carr. (r. c.) It's most annoying, James, 
I can't hear a word without my ear-trumpet. 

Cluney. (Crosses to Mrs. Carr and finds 
trumpet in his pocket) Good Lord! 
Mrs. Carr. My ear-trumpet. 



48 STOP THIEF 

All. Her ear-trumpet! 

Cluney. Her ear-trumpet. 

Doogan. (Crosses to Cluney) I got you: a 
class in English! 

Mrs. Carr. (Takes trumpet) James, what is 
the meaning of this? 

Cluney. I don't know. 

Doogan. I can explain — it's a joke. 

All. A joke ! 

Doogan. Yes, steal something from your mother- 
in-law on your wedding day; good luck. (Laughs 
and slaps Madge on the back) I beg your pardon, I 
beg vour pardon, I thought it was him. (Crosses 

Cluney. It's a superstition. 

Madge. (To Cluney) You mean you took it 
on account of a superstition. 

Cluney. Yes, yes, that's it. (Forces laugh) 

Mrs. Carr. Well, I don't see anything very 
funny about it at all. 

Cluney. No. 

Mrs. Carr. No. 

Cluney. Perhaps you are right. (Ladies go up 
c. with minister) 

Carr. (To Cluney) What did you want with 
the bracelet? 

Cluney. The bracelet ? I didn't take the brace- 
let. 

Carr. Oh, excuse me, I thought you did. 

Minister. You'll have to hurry, good people, I've 
another appointment. 

All. Yes, yes, come on, come, etc., etc. (All 
exit, l. c, except Cluney and Doogan) 

Cluney. Go right along, we'll be there directly. 

Carr. (In doorway just as he exits) Funny 
what became of that bracelet ! (Exits) 

Cluney. (To Doogan) How the devil did that 
trumpet get into my pocket? 



STOP THIEF 49 

Doogan. Don't try to kid me. You must have 
put it there. 

Cluney. What if the bracelet should turn up the 
same way? {Feels in pocket and finds it) Good 
Lord, here it is ! 

Doogan. Keno. 

Cluney. What'll I do with it? 

Doogan. Give it to me, I'll take care of it ; that's 
what I'm here for. {Takes bracelet from Cluney) 

Cluney. Thanks. 

Doogan. Don't mention it. 

Cluney. {Taking off overcoat) Hold on, this 
coat wasn't in this room when the bracelet was lost. 
It was hanging in the clothes-press outside. What 
do you make of that? 

Doogan. Don't make anything of it. Come on, 
let's get in before they suspect us. 

Cluney. You'll stick by me, won't you ? 

Doogan. Sure thing. 

Cluney. I'll make it worth your while. 

Doogan. You bet you will. 

{Voices are heard.) 

Cluney. What's that? 

Doogan. Sounds like a riot. 

Cluney. Look out for my father-in-law, he sus- 
pects me. 

Doogan. That will help some. (Doogan is up 
c. Cluney is down r. Madge enters and meets 
them as they are about to exit) 

Madge. {Down r. to Cluney) James, James! 
{All enter, following Madge) 

Cluney. {To Madge, who is gasping) What is 
it, dear? {To Mrs. Carr, who is gasping) What's 
happened? {Crosses to Carr who is gasping) In 
the name of Heaven, what's wrong ? 

Doctor. {Left) The house has been robbed. 



5 o STOP THIEF 

All. Robbed! 

Doogan. (Down l. of Cluney) Robbed! 
Cluney. What's gone now? 
Madge. All my beautiful wedding presents. 
Carr. Everybody in the house must be searched. 
Cluney. (Aside to Doogan) Hide the bracelet 
— hide it. 

(Doogan puts bracelet in Carr's pocket. All must 
be turned so as not to see this business.) 

Minister. (Center) That's a good idea. 
Everybody must be searched. Am I suspected ? 

Doogan. What do you think? p 

All. No, no ! 

Minister. Then I'll return later, just as soon as 
I perform the other ceremony. (Crosses l. u.) 

All. But the wedding — please don't go, (Etc., 
etc.) 

Minister. I'll be back within an hour. My 
engagement is an important one. (Exits l. u.) 

Cluney. (Down l. c.) He's gone! 

Doctor. (Left) He'll be back. 

Madge. Oh, who could have stolen my beautiful 
wedding presents? 

Joan. (To Mrs. Carr who is back of desk) 
Mother, do you suppose the maid could have ? 

Doogan. (Center) Are there any new servants 
in the house? 

Mrs. Carr. Yes, the new maid. 

Doogan. What's her name? 

Madge. Her name is Nell. 

Nell. (Overhears, and comes down r. c.) Yes, 
Ma'am, did you call me? 

Madge. Why, yes, that is, I 

Doogan. Is this girl a suspicious character? 

Madge. Not exactly suspicious, but 

Mrs. Carr. She's a strange girl 



STOP THIEF 51 

Doogan. (To Nell) Let me look at your eyes. 
(Looks at her eyes) They're beautiful eyes. Let 
me see your hands. (Looks at her hands) Not a 
line of crime — nothing but innocence, simplicity and 
honesty. I'll stake my life on her. I've made a 
study of criminals for years, haven't I, Cluney? 

Cluney. Oh, yes, for years and years. 

Carr. A detective? 

Doogan. In self-defense. (Takes Nell up 
center) I'm very much obliged to you. Hope I may 
be able to do as much for you some day. Keep your 
eyes open and you may be able to relieve the family 
of a great deal. 

Nell. Thank you, sir. (Exits l. c.) 

Doogan. (Doogan is c. Women are r. Three 
men are l.) Now that we have cleared the maid we 
won't have to go over that ground again! How 
about the other ladies — are they above suspicion? 

Men. Certainly ! 

Doogan. Then it's up to us four. 

Doctor. What ! 

Doogan. Does anyone care to search me? No? 
Very well. (To men) Have you any objections to 
my searching vou? 

All. What! 

Doctor. This is an insult ! 

Doogan. Merely a matter of form. I thought 
we had all agreed? 

Carr. I'm willing. 

Doctor. Go ahead, but it's all rot. 

(Doogan searches the Doctor.) 

Mrs. Carr. You seem expert in that line. 

Doogan. I've been the subject often enough 

Mrs. Carr. Subject? 

Doogan, Of praise for skill. Next. (Searches 
Cluney) Nothing. (Carr comes forward. 
Doogan looks at him) I can't do it. (To Mrs. 
Carr) Mrs. Mother, will you kindly see if Father's 
pockets are empty? (Crosses l.) 






52 STOP THIEF 

Mrs. Carr. Perfectly ridiculous ! 

Carr. Merely as a matter of form! 

Mrs. Carr. Oh, very well. (Goes to Carr, feels 
in his pockets and then screams) My smelling salts ! 
(She exits, followed by girls. Carr puts his hand 
in his pocket, feels bracelet, and exits on run, c.) 

Doctor. (Doogan crosses to l. corner. Cluney 
goes tip c. Doctor, l. c, to Cluney) Do you 
suppose the bracelet was in the old man's pocket ? 

Doogan. What do you think? 

Cluney. (To Doogan) Was it? 

Doogan. Sure. 

Doctor. How did it get there ? 

Cluney. (To Doogan) You put it there. 

Doogan. Certainly. You didn't want them to 
find it on me, did you? 

Doctor. (To Cluney) Where did you get it? 

Doogan. From him. (Points to Cluney) 

Doctor. Where did you get it ? 

Cluney. I don't know. Oh, Doctor, it's true, 
it's true. I'm a kleptomaniac. (Goes over to r. 
corner, Doogan meets Doctor) 

Doctor. There, there, now, forget it. (To 
Doogan) Sad case. 

Doogan. (Aside) I should say so. 

Cluney. My Lord, the safe is open. I wonder 
if the bonds are there! (Opens safe and searches) 
Here they are. 

(Doogan looks in pocket to see if he has the bonds.) 

Doctor. (Cluney hands him stock) These are 
not the bonds. This is the common stock Mr. Carr 
spoke about. 

Cluney. So it is. Well, where are the bonds? 
They're gone — and the sunburst, that's gone, too? 
(Turns and looks at Doctor wild-eyed) 

Dotor. Well, close the safe, they'll think we 
took it. 



STOP THIEF 53 

Doogan. (Croses l.) Yes, close the safe, 
they'll think we took it. 

Doctor. (Handing stock to Cluney) Here, 
put these back. 

(Carr enters from l. c.) 

Cluney. Too late ! (He closes safe. Cluney 
and the Doctor surreptitiously hand stock back and 
forth from one to the other) 

Carr. Doctor, Doctor, come to my wife, quickly ! 

Doctor. What's the matter? 

Carr. She's having hysterics. I'm afraid she's 
going to faint. 

Doctor. I'll have to get into my bag for some 
ammonia and brandy. It's out in the hall. 

Carr. Hurry, please. 

Doctor. (To Cluney) I'll slip these into the 
safe on the way back. Get him out of the room. 

Cluney. I will. 

(Doctor exits l. u.) 

Madge. (Enters) Come, James, please, Mother's 
terribly ill. (She exits) 

Cluney. Yes, yes, dear, right away. (To 
Doogan) Come on, Doogan, don't leave me. Stick 
to me — don't leave me. (Exits c, pulling Doogan 
after him) 

Carr. (Crosses down r. then stops a second) 
That safe is open again. I must lock it. So care- 
less of me — horribly careless. (Locks safe) 

Joan. (Enters from l. c.) Come, Father, 
Mother is calling for you. She's having hysterics. 
(Exits) 

Carr. Yes, I'm coming. (Exits on run) 

Doctor. (Enters from l. u.) That damn com- 
mon stock. I must get that back in the safe before 



54 STOP THIEF 

it's found on me. (Kneels at safe, trying to open 
it. He puts medicine case on chair l. of table) 
What's wrong? Good Heavens, it's locked! (All 
enter and catch him at safe) 

Mrs. Carr. Dr. Willoughby, what are you doing 
at that safe? 

All. Oh, Doctor! 
(Doctor grotesquely poking bonds up under coat 
tails.) 

Curtain 



ACT II 



At rise : All discovered in same positions as at end 
of Act I curtain. 

Dr. Willoughby right of desk; Mrs. Carr, 
left of desk; Mr. Carr, left of Mrs. Carr. 
Madge left of Mr. Carr; Joan and Caroline 
back of desk, Cluney left center. Doogan 
left. 

Mrs. Carr. Now, Dr. Willoughby, what were 
you doing at that safe? 

Doctor. I — I was seeing if it was locked. 
(Stammers) 

Carr. What right have you fooling around my 
safe? 

Mrs. Carr. Hush, William! Now, Dr. Will- 
oughby, kindly explain, if you please. 

Doctor. I — well — you see — James. 

(Cluney gesticulates frantically to Doctor to keep 
quiet. All turn and look at Cluney. He is 
in repose. All then turn and look at the 
Doctor.) 

Mrs. Carr. Well, well? 

Doctor. You had better let James explain. (All 
turn and look at Cluney) 



STOP THIEF 55 

Mrs. Cluney. What has James got to do with 
it? 

Cluney. Nothing — nothing. 

Mrs. Carr. Then what does Dr. Willoughby 
mean by asking you to explain? 

Cluney. I beg your pardon. 

Mrs. Carr. What does Dr. Willoughby mean by 
asking you to explain? 

Cluney. Oh, that's a little way he has. You see, 
he thought when things began to hide themselves 
surreptitiously about the house — he thought there 
must be a thief in the house. 

Mrs. Carr. Well? 

Cluney. Well, you see his thinking that made 
me think that I — (Turns to Doogan) You tell 
them. 

Doogan. Go on, you're doing fine. 

Cluney. Am I? 

Doogan. Sure. 

Cluney. All right, then I'll go ahead with it. 
You see, it's like this : Mr. Doogan is not really 
a friend, he's more of a guest. No, he's not exactly 
a guest, he's more of a friend. No, that isn't quite 
what I mean, either. You see, it's like this : I 
asked him here to the wedding, and, well, here he is. 

Mrs. Carr. What has all that to do with Dr. 
Willoughby being at our safe ? 

Cluney. Ah, that's just what I am getting at. 
He's a detective. 

Mrs. Carr. Dr. Willoughby a detective? (All 
turn and looks at Doctor) 

Cluney. No, no, Mr. Doogan — he's a detective. 
(All looks at Doogan) 

Carr. (Crosses to Cluney) What's a detective 
doing in my house? 

Cluney. He's here to watch me — no, to watch — 
to watch 



56 STOP THIEF 

Mrs. Carr. Watch what? Whom? 

Cluney. Ah, ha, that's it — that's what we want 
to know. 

Carr. Now that he is here, what is he going to 
do? 

Doogan. (Crosses to Mrs. Carr) If you put it 
up to me, I propose that we close up the joint. 

Mrs. Carr. Joint! 

Doogan. (Coughs) House — and not allow any- 
one to come in until a thorough search has been 
made. 

Cluney. There you are. 

Doctor. Yes, that's the thing to do. 

Mrs. Carr. I am still in the dark as to what 
you were doing at that safe. 

Nell. (Enters from door left upper) Excuse 
me, Dr. Willoughby. 

Doctor. Yes, what is it? 

Nell. An automobile at the door for you, sir. 
The gentleman said you should hurry, sir. 

Doctor. Who is it? 

Nell. He said his name was Works. 

Doctor. Works ? 

Nell. He said to tell you it was on the way, 
that you'd understand. 

Doctor. Good Lord, the baby! I've got to go. 
Where's my instrument case? 

All. (General movement. All search for case, 
Mrs. Carr comes down l. of Carr) His instru- 
ment case ! 

Carr. (l. c. Has picked up case absent-mindedly 
from chair l. of desk) Where did you put it? 

Mrs. Carr. William, dear! 

Carr. (Hands case to Doctor) Why will I be 
so absent-minded ! 

Doctor. (Crosses to l. u. door) I'm sorry — 
I've got to rush. Remember, Doogan, the case is 
entirely in your hands. 



STOP THIEF 57 

Doogan. (Back of desk) Leave it to me, leave 
it to me. 

Doctor. I'll hurry back. (Exits l. u. e.) 

Cluney. (Up r., yells after Doctor) What 
about the wedding? 

Caroline. (Up l.) We won't have any best 
man. 

Joan. (Up l.) Yes, what if the minister ar- 
rives while he is away? 

Mrs. Carr. (Up l. c.) The minister will have 
to wait. 

Madge. (Over to Cluney) Oh, James, this is 
terrible ! 

Cluney. (Up r.) There, there, dear, it will 
come out all right. Everything will be all right. 

(Madge zveeps on his shoulder. Doogan stares 
at Carr.) 

Carr. (Aside to Mrs. Carr. Down L. c.) 
Mother, mother ! 

Mrs. Carr. (Down l. of Carr, aside) What? 

Carr. Why does the detective keep looking at 
me? 

Mrs. Carr. (Aside) Is he watching you now? 

Carr. (Looking cautiously at Doogan — aside) 
Yes. 

Mrs. Carr. Oh, Lord! 

Doogan. (c. to Nell, who starts to go l. u.) 
Wait a minute, my girl. Don't leave this room. 
(Carr starts to exit thru window) I don't want 
anyone to leave this room until I've said a few 
things. 

Cluney. (Over to r. of Doogan, aside) What 
are you going to do? 

Doogan. (Aside) Sh! (Aloud) Ladies and 
gentlemen, if I am to take charge of this case, let's 
be perfectly honest with each other and tell me ex- 



5 3 STOP THIEF 

actly what's missing. {Takes pad and pencil from 
pocket. Joan and Caroline come l. of Doogan. 
Madge down r. Cluney r. c. and Mr. and Mrs. 
Carr l.) 

Joan. All the wedding presents. 

Doogan. (Writes) All the wedding presents. 

Caroline. No, no, the bracelet was found. 

Mr. and Mrs. Carr. (Trying to quiet her) 
Hush ! 

(Joan and Caroline go upstage to sofa.) 

Doogan. Where was the bracelet found? 

Cluney. (Right of Doogan — aside) You put it 
in the old man's pocket yourself. 

Doogan. (Aside) I know. (Cluney retires 
r. in confusion) Where was the bracelet found? 

Mrs. Carr. We found the bracelet on the stairs. 

Doogan. (Looks at Mrs. Carr significantly, then 
zvrites) " Bracelet found on the stairs." 

Nell. (l. of Doogan)' May I go now, sir? I 
have some work to do? 

Doogan. Just a moment, my good girl. I may 
need you. (Nell retires up l.) Now, I think it 
would be a good idea to give me an account of the 
valuable articles you have here in the house and tell 
me exactly where you keep them. 

Mrs. Carr. What ! 

Doogan. So that I can make out an account list, 
and then it will be possible for me to take an invoice 
and we will know exactly where we stand. (Mr. 
and Mrs. Carr sit on sofa l. and Caroline conies to 
l. of Doogan, Madge r. of hint. All start to speak 
at once) One at a time, one at a time — don't crowd, 
ladies. (To ladies) I'll take your things first. 

Joan. Well, there's my jewel case in the bottom 
of my steamer trunk. 



STOP THIEF 59 

Doogan. (Writes) Jewel case in steamer trunk. 
Is the trunk open? 

Joan. No, here's the key. (Hands him key) 

Doogan. Much obliged. 

Joan. That's all right. {Sits on sofa beside Mr. 
and Mrs. Carr) 

Doogan. (To Caroline who is r. of him) 
Now, I'll take yours. 

Caroline. All my winter furs, sealskins and 
sables, are in my dressing closet. 

Doogan. (Writes) Steal-skins and sables in 
dressing closet. Have you the key to the closet? 

Caroline. The key to the closet is in Joan's 
steamer trunk, and you have the key to the trunk. 
(Retires up right) 

Doogan. Yes. Next ! 

Madge. (Comes right of Doogan) I have about 
four thousand dollars in cash hidden in the linen 
closet on the floor under the rug. 

Doogan. (Staggered at the amount) Four 
thousand ? 

Madge. Four thousand. 

Doogan. (Writes) Four thousand dollars under 
rug in linen closet. 

Madge. Thank you. 

Doogan. Thank you! Next! 

(Madge retires up right.) 

Mrs. Carr. (Left of Doogan) Some valuable 
papers and a diamond sunburst in the safe. 

Doogan. I got that. This safe ? (Points to safe 

*■) 

Mrs. Carr. Yes. 
Doogan. Whose safe is that? 
Carr. (Seated on sofa l.) Mine. 
Doogan. Who in this house knows the combina- 
tion of the safe? 



60 STOP THIEF 

Mrs. Carr. I do. 

Doogan. Who else? (No answer) Doesn't 
Mr. Carr know the combination of his own safe? 

Carr. (Rises and goes to l. of Doogan) Yes. 
James knows it, too. 

Cluney. (r. of Doogan) No, I don't. 

Carr. I gave it to you a while ago. 

Cluney. I know, but I've forgotten it. 

Doogan. Why did you give him the combina- 
tion? 

Carr. He asked me for it. 

Cluney. No, sir, he forced it on me. 

Doogan. Then he did give it to you ? 

Cluney. No. That is — yes — no. 

Doogan. Yes, or no, which is it? 

Cluney. I don't know. 

Doogan. That makes it simple. (Looks at Carr. 
Writes) Mr. Carr knows combination of safe, very 
well. Now I will have to ask you folks to stay in 
the other part of the house while I take charge of 
the main part. (All are left of stage except Cluney, 
who is down right as Doogan crosses to r. u. door) 
Now if you will please step into this room for 
about ten minutes, when you come out you'll know 
exactly what's gone. (Opens door right) This 
way, please. (Holds door open. No one moves. 
All are l. as Doogan is R.) 

Mrs. Carr. (Goes to girls up-stage) We'll do 
nothing of the kind. 

Madge. I never heard of such a thing. 

Caroline. Ridiculous ! 

(Doogan is watching Carr, who is down L. c. 
Doogan is r. c.) 

Carr. Mother, mother! 

Mrs. Carr. (l. of Carr) What is it, dear? 

Carr. Mother, he's looking at me again. 



STOP THIEF 6i 

Mrs. Carr. (Aside) You imagine it. 

(Doogan motions to Cluney to get the people out 
of r 00711.) 

Cluney. (Up right) I think we'd better do as 
the detective tells us. 

Madge. But, James 

Doogan. (r. c.) Oh, very well, if you don't 
want me on the case I'll go back to headquarters. 
(Aside to Cluney) Go on, get them out of the 
room. 

Cluney. Please — the detective knows best. 
Let's do as he says. Come on. (Stands in door- 
way r. u. and lets others pass) 

Mrs. Carr. (As she exits) But I never heard 
of such a thing! 

Joan. (As she exits) Lord, I hope my jewels 
are safe. 

Caroline. (As she exits) This is preposterous ! 

Madge. (To Cluney at door) Oh, James, this 
is awful! 

(As Carr starts to exit, Doogan intercepts him, 
and he nervously moves down left.) 

Cluney. (r. of Doogan — to him) What are 
you going to do? 

Doogan. Give the maid the third degree. I'll 
protect you, all right, all right. See what I did for 
you about the safe ! 

Cluney. You're a genius, that's what you are, 
a genius ! (Exits r. u. e.) 

Carr. (Over to Doogan) Why do you stare 
at me like that? 

Doogan. (Showing Carr list) Because the 
bracelet was found on the stairs. 

Carr. (Looks at list) Oh, yes. (As Doogan 



62 STOP THIEF 

continues staring at him, Carr makes a nervous 
hasty exit r. u. e. Doogan locks door) 

Nell. {Crosses to Doogan c.) What are you 
going to do now, Jack? 

Doogan. {Kissing her) I am going to give you 
the third degree. If there's a God for thieves he's 
certainly good to us. This guy's a kleptomaniac 
and he's got himself framed for a thief. 

Nell. Which one? 

Doogan. Cluney. He's hired me to watch him. 
You heard the layout just now? 

Nell. Did I ? Four thousand dollars under the 
rug in the linen closet! 

Doogan. You get that. And here's the key to 
the steamer trunk — get the jewel case and what furs 
you can handle. 

Nell. {Both are up near c. doors) I got you, 
and then we'll make a quick getaway. 

Doogan. Sure. Get a suit-case to put them 
wedding presents in. 

Nell. Don't forget the sunburst in the safe. 

Doogan. I got that. 

Nell. Good! And you'll keep them in there, 
Jack? 

Doogan. Sure — clean up. 

Nell. Just leave it to me. 

Doogan. Now, for God's sake, don't leave any- 
thing on you. If the police should come and 
search — that reminds me ! 

Nell. What is it, Jack? 

Doogan. I forgot — I've got to get rid of these 
bonds. {Sees chocolate-pot on table r. u.) What's 
this? 

Nell. Chocolate pot. 

Doogan. Good, I'll stick them in there, and I 
hope they hate chocolate like I do. (Mrs. Carr 
bangs on door r. u.— To Nell) See how fast you 
can work. (Nell exits c., closing doors. Doogan 



STOP THIEF 63 

opens door r. u. and Mrs. Carr enters and crosses 
to l. c.) 

Mrs. Carr. Really, Mr. Doogan, I don't under- 
stand your locking that door. 

Doogan. (Crosses to Mrs. Carr) Perhaps not 
now, but you will understand it bye and bye. 

Mrs. Carr. I hope so. Now, listen, I've got 
something to tell you. I don't think these things 
have really been stolen. I think they've only been 
mislaid, that's all. I suspect someone of hiding 
them, unconscious of the fact ; but he doesn't ex- 
actly steal things, he just mislays them, that's all. 

Doogan. I know, you mean Mr. Cluney. 

Mrs. Carr. Cluney ? Good gracious, no ! My 
husband ! 

Doogan. Your husband? God, there's two of 
them ! 

Mrs. Carr. What's that? 

Doogan. (In ear-trumpet) I say it's too bad. 

Mrs. Carr. Yes, too bad. He's just as innocent 
as a babe in arms. 

Doogan. I'm glad you told me this, Mrs. Carr; 
it will make it easier for me. 

Mrs. Carr. Mr. Doogan, now I know you are a 
detective, I want you to promise me that you won't 
send in an alarm to police headquarters. If this 
story should get about it would simply ruin us — 
you understand? ' 

Doogan. I got you. 

Mrs. Carr. Then you will treat this as absolutely 
confidential ? 

Doogan. Oh, absolutely. 

Mrs. Carr. You will keep everything to your- 
self? 

Doogan. (Croses l.) Sure, I'll keep everything 
myself. 

Mrs. Carr. (Up R. at door) Now, Mr. Doogan, 
on your word of honor you won't call in the police ? 



64 STOP THIEF 

Doogan. (Up c.) Take it from me, whatever 
happens, I won't call in the police. 

Mrs. Carr. Oh, my pet chocolate set. I'll hide 
it in the pantry before it disappears with the rest of 
the things. (Exits R. u. with tray containing 
chocolate-set) 

Doogan. (Locks door) Now, I'll have to steal 
these bonds all over again. (Laughs and crosses 
down r.) Two of them in the same house. I'm 
the head-keeper in a lunatic asylum. This is the 
limit. (Nell enters carrying suit-case with presents. 
Both come c.) Are you all set? 

Nell. Sure. I've got all the stuff in here. Now 
don't let's take any wild chances. Hurry ! 

Doogan. How will you make your getaway? 

Nell. I'll be all right. I'll meet you at the 
Turk's Head in ten minutes. I want to grab me a 
sealskin before I leave. Go on, beat it. (Up r.) 

Doogan. (Starts l. u.) Turk's Head in ten 
minutes. Don't forget. 

Nell. I won't ! 

(Doogan starts for door l., when door-bell rings.) 

Doogan. Someone at the door. 

Nell. Out the window — quick ! 

Doogan. (Starts, then stops suddenly) Hold 
on, it may be a cop. That doctor may have mis- 
trusted, after all. Where can I plant this for a 
minute ? 

Nell. (Points to closet right) Over there. 

Doogan. No, not in that closet. 

Nell. (Points to closet in hall c.) In that closet 
out there in the hall. 

Doogan. (Goes up c. Nell goes to l. u. door) 
Good ! (Bell rings) See who it is. 

Nell. Shall I let them in? 

Doogan. No, but see who it is. (Nell exits door 



STOP THIEF 65 

L. Doogan rushes up-stage and puts suit-case in 
closet in hall, then returns r. c. and listens) 

Jamison. (Off-stage) But I must see him at 
once. It's a matter of the utmost importance. It's 
imperative that I see him without delay. 

Nell. (Off-stage) I'm sorry, sir, but it's im- 
possible. 

Jamison. (Enters l. u., Nell following) Im- 
possible ! Rot, nonsense ! I must see him — I will 
see him, at once. Now, this minute. (Comes c. and 
meets Doogan) 

Doogan. (r. c.) Who do you want to see? 

Jamison, (c. Nell is l. c.) Who are you? 

Doogan. Who are you? 

Jamison. My name's Jamison. I want to see 
Mr. Carr at once. 

Doocan. What about? 

Jamison. Business. 

Doogan. W T hat business? 

Jamison. None of your business. Who are you? 

Doogan. I'm the new secretary. 

Jamison. No, no, you won't do. (To Nell) 
Where's Mr. Carr? 

Nell. (l. c.) He's out, sir. 

Jamison. Out, out, out! Then someone, anyone, 
so long as it's a member of the family. Tell them 
Mr. Jamison is here. 

Nell. They're all out, sir. 

Jamison. All out? This is a very urgent mat- 
ter. Where did they go? (Knocking is heard at 
door r. u.) What's that? What's that? What's 
that? (Doogan knocks on desk to drown noise. 
Jamison unlocks door r. u.) 

Carr. I thought I heard your voice. 

Jamison. What's the matter with you? Why 
are you locked in that room? (Crosses l. c. to 
Nell) What did you mean by telling me he was 
out? 



66 STOP THIEF 

Doogan. (Up r. To Carr) I tried to keep 
him out. 

Jamison. Anything wrong? 

Carr. (Front of desk) No. What do you 
want? 

(Doogan is back of desk.) 

Jamison. (Center) What do I want? I want 
to give you the good news ! I put through the deal 
I told you of. I've come to redeem the notes. See 
here. (Shows money) Money, real money, with 
which to pay you. I've got the exact amount right 
here. I want the steel stock certificates at once. 
(As Jamison shows money Doogan motions to 
Nell to get it. Doogan crosses at back to down 
left) 

Carr. Steel stock certificates? 

Jamison. The stock I gave you as security. 
Hurry, please. I've no time to lose. 

Carr. (Excitedly) Yes, yes. (To door r. u. 
and calls) Mother, mother, good news, good news. 
Jamison is here to redeem his notes. 

(Jamison puts wallet in down-stage pocket of over- 
coat. Nell picks it out and gives money to 
Doogan. Doogan is quietly sneaking out of 
window when Cluney enters r. u. and calls 
to him. Doogan returns, leaving Cluney 
down l. Doogan is R. of Cluney. Other 
characters enter and group as follows: Jami- 
son c. Carr front of desk, Mrs. Carr l. of 
desk. Girls behind it.) 

All. Hello, Mr. Jamison! 

Jamison. Ah, Mrs. Carr, Joan, Caroline, Madge. 
Well, well, congratulations. (To Cluney) You're 
a lucky dog, Cluney. 



STOP THIEF 67 

Carr. I'll get the certificates for you right away. 
(Goes to safe and starts to work combination) 

Cluney. (Over to Doogan, aside) He's after 
the steel stock — I haven't got them. (During this 
aside between Cluney and Doogan, Mrs. Carr and 
Jamison are talking together) 

Doogan. (Aside) What did you do with them ? 

Cluney. (Aside) Dr. Willoughby has them in 
his pocket. What are we going to do now? 

Doogan. Play dead. 

Mrs. Carr. You've come for the steel stock. 

Jamison. Yes, the market is active — stocks are 
going to the skies, but the market may break any 
minute and I've sold mine at a tremendous profit. 
I must have them for immediate delivery. 

Carr. (Has opened safe and searched) Oh, 
mother ! Mother ! 

All. ( Group around safe. Cluney and Doogan 
l., well up c.) What's the matter? 

Carr. Thev're gone ! 

All. What! 

Mrs. Carr. Gone! Someone must have been 
to the safe. 

Jamison. Come, come, I must have them at once. 

Mrs. Carr. (Pulls Carr away from safe) Oh, 
they must be here; let me see. (Examines safe) 
He's right — they're gone. 

Jamison. But I tell you I must have them. 

Mrs. Carr. (Looks again) And the sunburst! 

Girls. The sunburst? 

Mrs. Carr. The diamond sunburst is gone. 

Caroline. What ! 

Carr. (At safe) And the bonds — they're gone, 
too. Everything's gone. 

Mrs. Carr. The safe has been robbed. 

(Joan, Madge and Caroline are crying.) 
Madge. (Crosses to l. to Cluney — Doogan 



r 



68 STOP THIEF 

crosses up R. Caroline to back of sofa) Oh, this 
is terrible. 

Joan. (To Mrs. Carr) Oh, Mother, dear! 

Jamison. Look here, I sold these stocks for im- 
mediate delivery, knowing they were here and I 
could put my hands on them at a moment's notice. 
Now produce them. 

Carr. (Right) How can I? They're gone. 

Jamison. If I don't deliver those stocks they can 
hold me for the topmost price it reaches and if 
they do I'll force you to settle. Do you hear? 

Carr. I'm ruined. 

Jamison. Yes, and you'll ruin me if they con- 
tinue to rise. You're not worth enough to insure 
me against loss. 

Carr. They'll turn up perhaps. 

Jamison. Yes, when it's too late. By heavens, 
I'll make you stand my losses, sir, if I have to sell 
you out of house and home. The law will force you 
to protect me. 

Mrs. Carr. But what can we do? 

Jamison. You claim to have been robbed ? 

All. Yes. 

Jamison. Then call in the police. 

Joan, Caroline, and Madge. Yes, yes. 

Carr, Mrs. Carr and Cluney. No, no, no ! 

Cluney. (Crosses to Jamison) No, don't call 
in the police. I know exactly where they are. 

Jamison. Where are they? 

Cluney. I don't know, but if you will wait ten 
minutes 

Jamison. Ten minutes? Oh, I see! What is 
this, a brace game ? You're trying to hold me here 
until the market is closed. I believe you're all in a 
pool. You're holding out my stocks to affect the 
market, but we shall see, we shall see ! (Starts for 
door l. u. Cluney crosses l. Girls are c. Carr 
l. c. Mrs. Carr is near desk) 



STOP THIEF 69 

All. What are you going to do? 
Jamison. Have you all arrested. You're all 
criminally liable. 

(Mrs. Carr sinks in chair l. of desk. Joan and 
Madge kneel beside her.) 

Carr. Wait, wait. If I'm responsible, my prop- 
erty will protect you. 

Jamison. Very well, make out an accurate list 
of everything you own. When I return I'll look it 
over and see if it is enough to insure my profits. 
(Starts l. u.) 

Mrs. Carr, Madge and Joan. (Rise) Where 
are you going? 

Jamison. (Crosses to Mrs. Carr. Carr is l. 
of Jamison) To plead with my brokers for an ex- 
tension of time. I came here in good faith and 
brought this wallet filled with money to pay what 
I owe, and — (Feels for wallet, searching pockets 
while talking) Great Scott, I've lost my money. 
My money's gone! 

All. Money? Wallet? Lost? Where? 

Jamison. (Center, searching himself) I had it 
in my hand less than five minutes ago. W r hat did I 
do with it? (All are searching) Someone has 
stolen my money! 

(Nell crosses to right. Carr and Cluney are l. 
searching themselves. Madge, Caroline and 
Joan are upstage searching. Jamison is c. 
Mrs. Carr is right, everybody searching.) 

Mrs. Carr. Are you sure you had it ? 

Jamison. Of course I had it. I've been robbed. 
This is a trick, but mark you, by all that's holy I'll 
be revenged. I'll move heaven and earth to recover 
this money and find that stock. Do you know what 



7 o STOP THIEF 

I'm going to do ? (Runs to door l. u. ) I'm going to 
put you all in jail! (All scream) Behind prison 
bars! (All scream) I'll hang the whole outfit! 
(All scream) I'll send every damn one of you to the 
electric chair. (All scream) I'll have your hearts' 
blood — your hearts' blood! (Exits, slamming door 
l. u. All hold picture) 

Carr. He's gone. 

Mrs. Carr. (Sinks in chair l. of desk) Now 
what are we going to do ? 

Madge. (Screams and sinks on sofa l. Joan, 
Caroline and Cluney go to her and console her. 
Nell and Doogan are up r.) Oh, this is terrible, 
terrible. 

Carr. (To Mrs. Carr) Everything will come 
out all right, Mother. I'm sure of it. 

Mrs. Car.r (Weeping) Oh, William, William. 
(Pause) 

Nell. (Aside to Doogan) What are you going 
to do ? He's gone after the cops. 

Doogan. (Aside to Nell) Go on, get your 
things. Be ready to blow any minute. (Nell exits 
c. Doogan comes center) There. There now, 
keep cool. He'll find his money. Nobody's stolen 
his money. Don't you think I'd know if something 
was stolen? 

Carr. But somebody's stolen the certificates. 

Cluney. And somebody's stolen the bonds. 

Mrs. Carr. And the sunburst. 

Madge. And all my beautiful wedding presents ! 
(Starts crying again) 

Doogan. Say, you can't keep this up all day. 

Mrs. Carr. But the police. He's gone for the 
police. 

Cluney. But, wait, Mr. Doogan's from head- 
quarters. He can get rid of the police all right, 
can't you? 

Doogan. (Motions to them, they all surround 



STOP THIEF 71 

him at c.) Now, listen. 'You know I'm not an 
ordinary detective. No, I'm one of the Chief's 
private men. Now if the police should get here be- 
fore I leave, don't tell them that I'm a detective, 
whatever you do. 

All. Why not ? 

Doogan. Why not? Why, don't you see? 
They'd wonder why I was here. They'd know then 
that the house had been robbed. They'd send the 
report to headquarters. The newspapers would get 
the story and disgrace the family. Don't you see? 

Madge. No, I don't see. 

Joan. Nor I. 

Mrs. Carr. Wait, I think I know what Mr. 
Doogan means. 

Doogan. Then you explain. 

Mrs. Carr. (To Joan) Well, you see, your 
father 

Cluney. Yes, father 



Mrs. Carr. (Consciously) If the police should 
come here we must deny that we've been robbed. 

Cluney. That's a good idea. 

Carr. It's a great idea. 

Doogan. Nov/, there are two things you have 
to keep in mind. I am not a detective, and the house 
has not been robbed. Do you understand? 

Madge. No, I don't understand. 

Doogan. Come here. (Takes Madge's arm and 
exits l. c. with her. Cluney follows) 

Cluney. I will do the explaining in my family. 

(Joan and Caroline follow them off.) 

Joan and Caroline. I wish someone would ex- 
plain it to me, (Etc., etc.) 

(Carr and Mrs. Carr are left on stage alone. 



72 STOP THIEF 

Doogan returns to c. and on seeing Mr. and 
Mrs. Carr, hides in closet in hall.) 

Carr. There, there, mother, everything will be 
all right. 

Mrs. Carr. William, our honor is at stake. We 
must either find Mr. Jamison's certificates or make 
up his loss if it costs us every dollar we possess. 

Carr. I'm willing, mother, I'll do it. 

Mrs. Carr. Well, then, do as Mr. Jamison says. 
Make out an inventory of everything we own while 
I go hunt for that stock, and I'll find it if it's in the 
house. (Exit l. c. talking ad lib.) 

Carr. Inventory ! I'm ruined ! Now they'll find 
out that I've mortagaged the place. (Exits l. c.) 

(Doogan enters from closet up c. with suit-case in 
his hand. He is about to exit l. u. door when 
the Doctor enters and intercepts him.) 

Doctor. Where are you going? 

Doogan. I was just 

Doctor. Oh, you were going to leave us in the 
lurch, eh? No, you don't; you're going to stay 
right here until this mystery is cleared up. You 
promised to stick and see this thing through. Get 
your suit-case, too, eh? No, you don't. Give me 
that. You'll stay right here until we find out where 
these things have gotten to. (Takes suit-case from 
Doogan) Now I'll put this where you won't find it. 
(Doctor exits r. c. talking ad lib. Doogan follows 
him out into outer hall, looking after him dazed. 
Nell enters from hallway l.) 

Nell. Jack, how did he get that suit-case ? 

Doogan. Never mind how he got it, you follow 
him and plant it the minute he lays it down. (Nell 
exits r. c. into hallway) Just think, I let that boob 
take that satchel right out of my hands. 

Doctor. (Enters from r. c.) Watch here at 



STOP THIEF 73 

the door. I want to see if this damn safe is open so 
I can get this stock back where it belongs. 

Doogan. (Up c.) Yes, you'd better do that. 
The fellow who owns it was here. Everybody in 
the house was looking for it. 

Doctor. (At safe) It's open — good. You say 
Jamison was here looking for his stock? 

Doogan. Yes, and Cluney is as sore as a boil. 
You'd better go and square it with him. 

Doctor. Where is he? 

Doogan. He's upstairs. 

Doctor. I'll go up and see him. Now don't go 
away until I get back, will you? (Exits L. c.) 

Doogan. (Making a dash for the window) No, 
I won't go away. — I'll break all the speed records, 
that's all. (Returns to center) Gee, I'm forget- 
ting the suit-case ! I'm a hell of a thief, I am ! 

Nell. (Enters with grip) Here it is, Jack, I 
grabbed it the minute he laid it down. (Runs up c. 
closing doors, then returns to Doogan) 

Doogan. (Takes out list and pencil) Did you 
get the money in the closet ? 

Nell. Yes, I've got it, and the sable furs and 
sealskins in the steamer trunk. 

Doogan. I'll check them off. What about the 
trunk ? 

Nell. (r. of Doogan) I lowered the trunk 
from a window with a rope. It's in the back yard. 
I'll throw it over the fence and get a taxi and bring 
it back with me. Now you go on and beat it, Jack, 
and I'll get out the back door. 

Doogan. There's a lot of good stuff around here, 
Nell. We ought to have a van. 

Nell. Jack ! 

Doogan. It's a crime to stop stealing when every- 
thing is coming so easy for us. 

Nell. But you promised, Jack, that this would 
be the last trick. 



74 STOP THIEF 

Doogan. And I'm going to keep my promise. 
Turk's Head in ten minutes. Don't forget. 

Nell. I won't. (Starts for door r. u. Doogan 
starts for window) 

Doogan. Don't forget — ten minutes. (Turns 
and bumps into detective, who enters thru window 

L.) 

(Picture.) 

Detective. Well, here I am. 

Doogan. (Crossing to c.) Here he is. What do 
you want? 

Detective, (l. of Doogan. Nell r. of Doogan) 
What do I want? Why, you told me to be back 
here in an hour, didn't you? 

Doogan. That's right, I did. 

Detective. The hour's up. I'm right on the dot. 

Doogan. That's right. — But we were wrong 
about the time, weren't we? (This to Nell) 

Nell. Yes. 

Doogan. We talked that over after he left, didn't 
we? 

Nell. Yes, they won't be here until nine to- 
night. 

Doogan. Nine to-night. 

Detective. Who won't be here until nine to- 
night ? 

Nell. The two you want to capture. 

Doogan. This will be a great feather in your 
cap if you will pull it off. You will have Burns 
backed off the map. 

Detective. Who's he? Quit your stalling. 
Why don't you tell me what the case is ? 

Doogan. (To Nell) Shall we tell him now? 

Nell. Yes, sir, I think we'd better. 

Doogan. It's a case of amalgamania. You know 
what that is, don't you ? 



STOP THIEF 75 

Detective. Sure. It's — yes — it's 

Doogan. (Slaps detective on back) Yes, you're 
right — collective robbery. 

Detective. Yes, robbery. Have you got any 
evidence ? 

Doogan. (Pointing to suit-case) Sure — in there. 
This is full of evidence. 

Detective. (Trying to take suit-case) I think 
I had better take it. 

Doogan. (Drawing suit-case away from de- 
tective) No, I think you'd better not. (To Nell) 
What do you think? 

Nell. I think you had better keep it, sir. 

Doogan. (To detective) I think she's right. 
You see, if you take it the thieves can't get it — no 
evidence. If you leave it here the thieves will get 
it and there's the evidence, you understand ? 

Detective. I got you. 

Doogan. Now, don't disappoint us again. Be 
here at nine o'clock sharp. 

Detective. I got you. 

(Carr is heard singing off-stage.) 

Doogan. (Up c.) That's one of them now— 
scoot ! 

(Detective starts for window.) 

Nell. (Crosses up r.) You'd better sneak out 
this way, sir. 

(Detective starts toward r. u.) 

Doogan. (To detective, as he is crossing over to 
r. u.) Yes, this is the way out, that's only the way 
in. 



?6 STOP THIEF 

Detective. {At r. u. door) I'll be there at nine 
sharp. {Looks at watch) 

Doogan. Have you got the right time? 

Detective. The right time ? Well, it ought to be 
the right time. This watch cost six hundred dol- 
lars. {Exits r. u. e.) 

Doogan. {To Nell) Get the watch. 

Nell. I will. {Exits r. u. e. Doogan makes an 
effort to get away when c. door opens and Carr 
enters making out inventory, follozved by Caroline. 
Doogan hides suit-case under desk and sits r. of 
desk, pretending to busy himself with list he has 
made out) 

Carr. {Enters c. followed by Caroline) I 
won't have you following me around when I am 
making an inventory of all I possess. 

Caroline. But mother told me to stay close to 
you so I could watch you. 

Carr. I don't want anybody to watch me. {Door 
bell rings) See who's at the door. 

Caroline. Where's the maid? 

Doogan. {Seated at desk r.) She's gone to get 
me the right time. 

Caroline. Oh, I see. {Exits l. u. Carr sits at 
table making out inventory. He takes two five- 
hundred dollar bills from his pocket and holds them 
on table. Doogan is watching the money and makes 
a move to take it from Carr. Carr drops down 
hand in his lap. Doogan taps Carr on shoulder. 
Carr looks up) 

Doogan. What are you doing with that 
money ? 

Carr. It's mine. 

Doogan. {Takes out list) Well, you didn't de- 
clare it on this list of valuables. 

Carr. Well, I was going to include it in the 
inventory I am making for Mr. Jamison. 



STOP THIEF 77 

Doogan. Why, Jamison has no right to that 
money ! 

Carr. Hasn't he? 

Doogan. No. If you haven't got it you can't 
include it in your inventory, can you? 

Carr. That's so. 

Doogan. {Takes money from Carr) I'll mind 
it for you. (Puts money in pocket and crosses c.) 

Carr. Will you? That's very kind of you. 
Well, I must go on with my work. (Going toward 
r., taking inventory) One telephone 

Doogan. (l. c. writing) Two five-hundred dol- 
lar bills in hand. 

Carr. (Writing) One bridal bouquet, one door 
knob — (Exits r. u. e.) 

(As Carr exits, Doogan grabs suit-case from under 
desk and stars for l. u. door, when Caroline 
bursts into the room yelling "Police," leaving 
Doogan behind door. Caroline exits l. c. 
yelling.) 

Caroline. Police, Police, the police are here! 

(Doogan locks l. u. door, hides suit-case under sofa 
l., and runs down r. The entire family enter 
excitedly, all talking at once.) 

Sergeant. (Pounding on door) Open in the 
name of the law ! (Pounding continues. Sergeant 
kicks open door and enters, followed by Jamison 
and three policemen in uniform. Sergeant goes to 
c. and closes doors) 

Jamison, (l. c. pointing Carr out to Sergeant) 
This is Mr. Carr. He's got my certificates and my 
money. (Jamison is l. c. Carr is r. c. Mrs. Carr 
sinks in chair r. of desk, Madge is r. of Mrs. Carr. 



78 STOP THIEF 

Doogan r. corner. Joan, Caroline, Doctor and 
Cluney are over l. Sergeant up c. door) 

Sergeant. O'Malley, watch that door. {Point- 
ing to r. u. door) 
. O'Malley. Yes, sir. 

Sergeant. You, the window. (Pointing to 
Cluney — to Casey) You the other door. (Mean- 
ing l. u. door. Sergeant comes down c.) I have 
a search warrant. 

Doogan. (Right) A search warrant. Good- 
bye, sunburst. (Pins sunburst on Madge and 
crosses behind desk) 

Sergeant. (Starts to read warrant) " County 
and City of Providence : In the name of the people 
of the State of Rhode Island " — " to any policeman 
of said city, proof of affidavit having been made " — 

Carr. (Interrupting Sergeant) Don't serve 
that warrant. " (Takes up pencil from desk and 
crosses to Jamison) Jamison, this inventory will 
insure you against loss. 

Doogan. (Back of desk, picks up inventory) 
That isn't the inventory — here's the inventory. 

Jamison. (To Carr) Insure me against loss, 
that's all I want. (Points to pencil in disgust) 
What is that thing? 

Carr. I'm losing my mind. (Falls against 
Sergeant) 

Sergeant. Here, old man. 

Doogan. (Takes warrant from Sergeant, at 
the same time dropping inventory. He stoops to 
pick it up and says) Allow me. 

Sergeant. Stop that. None of your tricks with 
me. I'll pick it up. 

Doogan. (Circles back of Sergeant to l. corner. 
Puts warrant in Carr's pocket) Suit yourself. 
(Crosses back to r. of Sergeant) 

Jamison. (Crosses back to r. of Sergeant. 



STOP THIEF 79 

Indicating Carr) Here's the tricky one, don't trust 
him. 

(Sergeant crosses to Carr.) 

Madge. Oh, Mother, what a disgrace ! 
Mrs. Carr. (Sees sunburst on Madge) The 
sunburst. Heredity ! 

Sergeant. Everybody must be searched. 

(Women scream.) 

Mrs. Carr. Stop them, somebody — Mr. Doogan. 

Doogan. Wait a minute, you haven't served the 
warrant yet. (This to Sergeant) 

Sergeant. I'll serve the warrant, all right. (To 
Carr, placing hand on his shoulder) Here. (Carr 
attempts to take warrant) Not much. I'll read it 
to you. (Opens warrant and reads) "My home 
and personal effects, all furniture, one ice box " — 
My God, I've lost my warrant ! (All search as 
curtain descends) 

Second curtain: all are on knees searching. 



ACT III 



At rise: All are still on their knees searching 
as the curtain of the second act left them. 
Everybody is talking. 
Jamison. Come, Sergeant, come, we're wasting 
time. 

Sergeant, (c., rising from his knees) Come on, 
come on, that's enough. Get up, get up ! (All rise. 
Sergeant is c., Jamison l. of Sergeant; Cluney 



80 STOP THIEF 

down l. Doogan up r. Mrs. Carr front of desk. 
Carr and Madge down r. Joan and Caroline 
back of desk) Now, let me tell you people some- 
thing. You can't bluff me; this is a frame-up. 
Somebody in this room has nicked me for my war- 
rant. Now, come on, who's got it? {Looking at 
Mrs. Carr) 

Mrs. Carr. {Right center) Do you mean to 
insinuate that someone has stolen your warrant ? 

Sergeant. Yes, just as someone has stolen Mr. 
Jamison's certificates. 

Jamison, (l. of Sergeant) And my money — 
don't forget my money! Come, Sergeant, let's get 
some action here ! 

Sergeant. I'm going to search the house and 
everybody in it. (Starts r. Doogan comes down 
R. of him) 

Doogan. Wait a minute, wait a minute, you can't 
search this house without a warrant. 

Sergeant. Well, didn't I have a warrant? 

Jamison. Yes, didn't he have a warrant? 

Doogan. Well, where is your warrant? 

Sergeant. That's it, where is it? 

Doogan. I don't know, but you can't search this 
house without one — I know the law. 

Sergeant. Say, who are you? 

Doogan. Never mind who I am. You haven't 
got a warrant and that stops you. 

Doctor. Go on, tell him who you are. 

All. (Except Carr and Jamison) Sh! 

Sergeant. (Steps down-stage, looking at r. 
group) What's all this shushing about? 

Carr. (Down r. apart from others, with satisfied 
smile on his face) I didn't shush. 

Jamison. Come, Sergeant, come for heaven's 
sake, do something. My brokers extended the time, 
but I must have those certificates within an hour. 



STOP THIEF 81 

Sergeant. Listen, you hurry down to police 
headquarters and swear out another warrant. 

Jamison. But that will only take more time, 
and 

Sergeant. Go on, take it on the run, I'll stay 
here and watch out for this bunch until you get 
back. Go on! (Sergeant goes upstage l. u.) 

Jamison. All right, don't let any of them get 
away. If I don't get my certificates I'll jail every 
one of them. {Going l. u.) 

Sergeant. {Going up after Jamison) I under- 
stand, hurry up. (Jamison exits l. u. e. Sergeant 
goes down c. Doogan stops him) 

Doogan. (r. of Sergeant) Hold on, you 
policemen can't stay in this house. 

Sergeant. If you don't keep your trap shut I'll 
have to chastise you, sweetheart. My warrant was 
stolen here — that's proof of a felony. I'm sure of 
finding that when Jamison gets back, so I'm going 
to stay right here and get a little satisfaction on my 
own account. 

(Doogan goes up r.) 

Doctor. (Crosses to l. of Sergeant) Look 
here, Sergeant, what's all this excitement about? 
What's been stolen? 

Sergeant. Mr. Jamison's steel stock certificates. 

Doctor. Why, the steel stocks are in that safe. 

Carr. (Right) No, we just looked in the safe. 

Mrs. Carr. (l. of desk) We have looked 
everywhere. 

Doctor. But you haven't looked in the safe 
lately, not in the last few minutes. Perhaps you 
were mistaken. You had better look again. 

Carr. (Sergeant is looking at Doctor sus- 
piciously. Carr and Madge kneel at safe. Mrs. 



82 STOP THIEF 

Carr looking on expectantly) Perhaps I was, I'll 
look again. 

Mrs. Carr. Yes, take another look, William. 

Sergeant. (Turns, yelling r., at group at safe, 
Carr and Madge flutter dozvn r. holding on to each 
other. Mrs. Carr is in front of safe) Get away 
from that safe. Nobody will touch anything in this 
house until Jamison gets back with that warrant, 
then I'll do the searching. 

Doogan. (r. of Sergeant) Look here, you 
can't tell this gentleman what he can do in his own 
house. 

Sergeant. I'll wallop you in a minute. , 

Doogan. I think you would if my hands were 
tied. (Sergeant strikes at Doogan with l. hand, 
Doogan crosses to l. c. ; three cops come dozvn and 
hold him. During this scene Joan, Carr, Madge, 
Mrs. Carr and Caroline are up c. Doctor and 
Cluney front of desk r. Doogan is l. c.) Come 
on, come on, I'm just dying to trim a bull. 

Sergeant. That's all right, men, go back and 
guard your doors, but keep your eyes on this fellow. 
We'll take him with us when we go. (Sergeant 
starts up r. Policemen go back to doors. Minister 
enters from l. u. and comes c. to Sergeant) 

Minister. I found the door open, so I walked 
right in. 

All. The minister! 

Minister. Are you a policeman? 

Sergeant. What did you think I was — a mes- 
senger-boy? What are you? 

Minister. An Episcopalian. 

Sergeant. Keep your eyes on him, Clancey. 

Minister. (Turns l.) If there's any trouble, 
I'll go. (Starts for l. u. doer) 

Casey. No, you don't. Get back there. 

(Sergeant comes dozvn r. c ) 



STOP THIEF 83 

Cluney. (r. of Sergeant) Look here, this is 
ridiculous ! 

Sergeant. What's that? 

Cluney. {Retires r. in confusion) I didn't say 
anything. 

Minister. {Comes down l. of Doogan) Why, 
you know, sir 

Doogan. Yes, I know, tell it to Clancey. 
(Doogan crosses up c. l.) 

(Minister at left starts to put prayer-book in 
pocket.) 

Sergeant. (Center) What are you putting in 
your pocket? 

Minister. My prayer-book. 

Sergeant. See if that's a prayer-book, Clancey? 
(Clancey crosses to l. of minister and examines 
book) Is it? 

Clancey. I don't know. 

Sergeant. Give it back to him. (Clancy hands 
minister book and goes to window l.) We'll have 
to hold you. Get over there. 

Minister. {Goes r. u. and joins Caroline) 
This is an outrage ! 

(Sergeant crosses to l. u. door. Doctor and 
Cluney cross to l. c. upper, Doctor is l. of 
Cluney, Carr moves down to l. corner. Mrs. 
Carr, Madge and Joan are in front of desk 
r. Sergeant looks at Doctor, then same busi- 
ness to Cluney, minister and Caroline, then 
to Mrs. Carr, Madge and Joan. As they look 
at him he turns away. Sergeant, then looks 
at Carr. Carr looks at Sergeant, then turns 
L. and runs into Clancey's arms, then resumes 



84 STOP THIEF 

first position. Sergeant looks at Doogan, who 
is l. u. near Casey, then looks back at Carr.) 

Carr. Stop that! (Sergeant starts toward 
Carr) Mother ! (He crosses over to Mrs. Carr r. 
Sergeant turns up-stage) 

Sergeant. (To Cluney, Doogan and Doctor) 
You there fellows sit down there on that sofa. I 
want you where I can keep my eye on you. 

(Doctor, Cluney and Doogan go and sit on sofa, 
Cluney down stage, Doctor center middle and 
Doogan r. Sergeant watches them.) 

Mrs. Carr. (To Madge, on her right) Madge, 
I found the sunburst on your dress. Did you take 
anything else, dear? 

Madge. What ! 

Mrs. Carr. Sh! 

Sergeant. (Turns) Stop that shushing, I tell 
you. 

Carr. (Front of desk) You'll make me angry 
in a moment. 

Sergeant. (Turns and looks at three men on 
sofa, who are talking. They straighten up) Now, 
listen, men! (Looks at three policemen) Keep 
your eyes open. Don't let them pick up or get rid 
of a thing. If one of them should so much as put 
his hand in his pocket even — (Cluney takes his 
hand out of his pocket) Just call my attention to it. 

Mrs. Carr. Good heavens ! 

Carr. Mother ! 

Mrs. Carr. What? 

Carr. Mother, I think I have something in my 
pocket ! 

Mrs. Carr. William! 

Sergeant. (Turns to Mrs. Carr) Cut out that 



STOP THIEF 85 

conversation. Remember, anything you say will be 
used against you. (Turns back to men on sofa) 
Carr. (After long pause) Ain't it quiet? 

(Doogan has business with handkerchief.) 

Mrs. Carr. Joan. 

Joan. (Whispering at extreme right end) Yes? 

Mrs. Carr. See if you can't interest the Ser- 
geant. 

Joan. I don't know what to say. 

Mrs. Carr. Try. (Madge gives her a little push. 
Joan crosses to Sergeant, c. He turns to her. 
They pantomime) Madge, your father has some- 
thing in his pocket, try and get it out. (She passes 
Madge over to Carr and takes her place) Now, 
now. 

(Carr is trying to guide Madge's hand into his 
pocket. O'Malley comes down stage, Mrs. 
Carr coughs, Madge and Mrs. Carr move away 
from Carr to r. O'Malley stands where 
Madge had been. Carr takes O'Malley's 
hand and tries to put it in his pocket; O'Malley 
snatches his hand azvay. Consternation in 
group r. — Pause.) 

Doctor. (On sofa, whispering) Let's tell him 
the stocks are in the safe. 

Cluney. (Whispering) What's the good of 
that? 

Doctor. (Whispers) It's no lie. I put them 
there. 

Cluney. (Whispers) You did? 

Doctor. (Whispers) Sure. 

Doogan. (Whispers) Don't tell them that, 
you'll have to explain where you got them. (They 



86 STOP THIEF 

all continue whispering. Sergeant turns his head 
and looks at them) 

Sergeant. Here, what are you fellows whisper- 
ing about? 

Doctor, Cluney and Doogan. (Whispering) 
Nothing. (Aloud) Nothing. 

Sergeant. Keep your eye on them, Clancey, don't 
let them frame up anything. Listen to every word 
they say. I think you fellows had better spread 
out. Come on, split out — get apart. 

(Doogan, Doctor and Cluney rise, Doogan and 
Doctor up stage and around down to r. corner. 
Cluney starts to exit l. near window, but is 
stopped by Clancey.) 

Clancey. (Stopping Cluney) No you don't, 
you heard what he said. 

(Cluney crosses to r. Mrs. Carr, Joan and Carr 
r. to left. Right group ; Doogan, Doctor and 
Cluney ; left group Joan, l. h. Carr, Madge 
and Mrs. Carr, Sergeant c. Caroline and 
minister up r.) 

Carr. (As he crosses to Sergeant) Mr. Ser- 
geant, Mr. Sergeant? 

Sergeant. No, no. 

Carr. This is our house. (Crosses to l. corner 
leaving Sergeant in middle. Joan is down l. 
Carr next, then Madge and Mrs. Carr. Sergeant 
looks at the three men at r. all together again 
Doogan has business of taking hands out of pockets) 

Madge. Now, now. 

(Carr starts whistling " Home, home, sweet home " . 
Madge tries to get into Carr's pocket. 
Clancey comes down from window and stands 
behind sofa looking at them.) 



STOP THIEF 87 



Sergeant. Cut out that whistling. (Goes up r. 
to O'Malley, whispers to him, comes down c. again 
and looks at the Carrs. He then turns and catches 
Doogan, who is in r. comer, whispering with 
Cluney and the Doctor. Cluney, the Doctor, and 
Doogan straighten up as Sergeant looks at them. 
Cluney crosses and takes Doctor's place) 

Mrs. Carr. (Whispering) It's no use, Madge, 
they're watching us like hawks. 

Madge. (Whispering) Maybe if we could get 
them into the dining room 

Mrs. Carr. (Whispering)^ Joan. 

Joan . ( Whisp ering ) What ? 

Mrs. Carr. (Whispering) Tell them we're 
hungry. 

Joan . ( Whisp ering ) What ? 

Madge. (Whispering) Tell them we're hungry. 

Joan. (Whispering) What? 

Carr. (Loudly) Hungry. 

Joan. (Crosses to Sergeant c.) Mr. Sergeant. 
(Sergeant turns and looks over her head, and then 
at her) Mr. Sergeant, we haven't had a bite since 
breakfast. Please, may we have something to eat? 

Sergeant. Well, that's pretty hard, Miss. Sure, 
go ahead. (Crosses up to Casey l. u.) 

Mrs. Carr. Ah ! Come, William. 

(Carrs and minister cross to r. u. Doogan, Doctor 
and Cluney cross around up to r.) 

Cluney. Thank you, Sergeant. 

Sergeant. No, get back there. (He pushes 
Doctor, Cluney and Doogan in front of sofa) I 
want you three fellows to stay over there. The rest 
of them are all right, O'Malley. They're hungry. 

O'Malley. (Up to r. door) Hungry, is it? 
Well, for the last ten minutes every last one of them 



88 STOP THIEF 

has been trying to get something out of that old 

man's pocket. 

Mrs. Carr. How dare you? (All talk ad lib.) 
Sergeant. So that's the game, eh? Get back 

there. 

(Mrs. Carr, Joan and Madge go to r. corner, 
Sergeant drives Carr around c. and then to R. 
Caroline and minister go r.) 

Sergeant. (To Carr) So that's the game, eh? 
Trying to slip something over on me. (Sergeant 
crosses to l. Cluney, Doctor and Doogan are in 
front of sofa in order named. As Sergeant reaches 
them they all sit on sofa quickly. Mr. Carr coughs) 
Stop that coughing. 

Carr. But my throat tickles. 

Sergeant. Keep quiet. 

(Sergeant goes up-stage and looks at Caroline, 
then turns to men on sofa. Doogan is talking 
with his fingers to men. The Doctor calls 
his attention to the fact that the Sergeant is 
looking at him. Cluney continues talking on 
his fingers, and finally looks tip to see the Ser- 
geant looking at him. He scratches his head 
and stops. ) 

Mrs. Carr. (Whispering) Joan. 

Joa n . ( Whisp ering ) Yes ? 

Mrs. Carr. (Whispering) See if the Sergeant 
will let you make us some chocolate? 

Joan. (Whispering) What for? 

Mrs. Carr. To distract his attention. Your 
father's got something in his pocket. 

Joan. (Crosses to Sergeant c. and takes hold of 
his sleeve to attract his attention. Sergeant turns 
to her) Please, may I serve some chocolate ? We're 



STOP THIEF 89 

half starved, really we are. (She pats him on 
sleeve) There's a dear Sergeant! 

Sergeant. (Smiles) Well, I guess it will be all 
right, Miss, if I go with you, O'Malley? 

O'Malley. Yes, sir? 

Sergeant. Look out for things while I take 
charge of the young lady. 

O'Malley. Sure. 

(Sergeant and Joan exit arm in arm r. u.) 

Doctor. (Following Joan and Sergeant, 
Doogan goes up c.) I won't have it. 

O'Malley. Get back there. (Pushes Doctor 
back on sofa) 

Cluney. (At sofa) But you don't understand. 

O'Malley. Yes, I do understand. 

Doctor. I won't have him going out with her! 

O'Malley. I guess she's been in worse company. 
(Doctor and Cluney sit on sofa, Doogan is up c. 
O'Malley turns and catches Mrs. Carr with her 
hand in Carr's pocket) Here, take your hand out 
of that man's pocket ! I'm watching you. 
(O'Malley walks c. and looks at Cluney and 
Doctor on sofa, then makes a face at Doogan, 
which Doogan returns. Mrs. Carr again tries to 
get her hand into Carr's pocket. She has her back 
to the audience. O'Malley crosses back to desk 
and watches the Carrs) 

(The Doctor and Cluney whisper on sofa, but are 
stopped by Clancey looking over their 
shoulders. Casey steps off l. 3. Doogan gets 
his hat from desk l. u., sees that no one is 
looking, and starts for window l. Clancey, 
who is zvatching Doogan, backs into the win- 
dow and Doogan runs into him.) 



9 o STOP THIEF 

Sergeant. (Off-stage r. u.) I've got it, I've 
got it. (Enters with Joan, and comes down c. 
Joan is on his left) 

All. What? The warrant? 

Sergeant. No, no, the certificates. I knew I'd 
find them. (Doogan is down l. corner, Sergeant 
shows bonds to Carr, who is r. left of desk. Minis- 
ter is extreme r. Caroline above desk r. Doctor 
and Cluney rise as Sergeant makes his entrance) 

Cluney. (Aside to Doctor) The securities? I 
thought you put them in the safe ? 

Doctor. I did. (To Doogan) Didn't I? 

Doogan. He's got the bonds. 

Carr. These are the bonds. 

Cluney. (Crosses to l. of Sergeant c, and 
looks at bonds) So they are. 

Joan. They were in the chocolate pot. 

Madge. (Right) Where was the chocolate pot? 

Joan. Hidden in the pantry. 

Doctor. Who hid the chocolate pot? (Doctor 
looks at Joan, Joan looks at Cluney, Cluney looks 
at Sergeant) 

Cluney. I didn't. (All look at Carr) 

Carr. Well, you needn't look at me. 

Sergeant. Come on, who hid the chocolate pot? 

Mrs. Carr. I did! 

All. What? 

Sergeant. Why did you hide it? 

Mrs. Carr. I don't know. 

Carr. No, no, mother, I won't let you take the 
blame, I think I hid it. 

Cluney. I won't allow this, Sergeant. Mark 
you, I don't remember having done so, but I expect 
I hid it. 

Sergeant. What's this all about? Come on, 
now, I want the truth. Who hid the chocolate pot ? 

Carr, Mrs. Carr and Cluney. I did. 

Sergeant. It took three of you to hide it. This 
is a mad-house. (Sergeant goes up c. and back 
again. Doogan crosses up to r. comer. Mrs. and 
Mr. Carr c, from r. to l.) 



STOP THIEF 91 

Mrs. Carr. William, my brain is reeling. 

(Cluney and Doctor cross r.) 

Cluney. He's right, this is a mad-house and I 
am one of its worse inmates. 

(Minister turns back on crowd, opens prayer book 
and starts to read; Doctor comes r. of Ser- 
geant.) 

Doctor. (Coming r. of Sergeant) See here, 
Sergeant, you want Mr. Jamison's steel stocks. 
Isn't that what you came here for? 

Sergeant. Well, what of it? 

Doctor. They're in that safe, and if you will 
allow Mr. Carr to get them out you may have them. 

Sergeant. But Mr. Carr says they are not in 
the safe. 

Doctor. (Crosses to safe) But they are there. 
I know it — I'll show you. See, here they are. 
(Takes stocks out of safe and hands them to Ser- 
geant) This is the cause of all the trouble — take 
them. 

Sergeant. International steel stock. (Looks at 
Mr. and Mrs. Carr) 

Mrs. Carr. How did they get in there ? 

Carr. Yes, how did they get back in there? 

Doogan, Cluney, and Doctor. Sh! 

Sergeant. Cut out that shushing, I tell you! 
(Doogan turns and looks at the minister, over his 
shoulder, reading prayer-book, r. comer. Turns 
to Carr and Mrs. Carr, l. c.) Say, what kind of 
a game is this, anyway? 

Carr. I didn't do that. 

Sergeant. Who stole my warrant ? 

Clancey. The old man's got something in his 
pocket. 



92 STOP THIEF 

Mrs. Carr. This is an outrage ! 

Sergeant. Get it. (Clancey searches Carr, 
takes warrant out of his right hand pocket, hands 
it to Sergeant who opens it) My warrant! 

(Clancey goes back to position at window.) 

Madge. Oh, father! 

Mrs. Carr. William! 

Carr. I didn't steal that! 

Sergeant. What makes you think so? 

Carr. I didn't get a chance. 

Sergeant. Are you sure? 

Carr. You can search me. 

Sergeant. That's what I'm going to do. I'm 
going to search everything and everybody in this 
house. (He starts r., but is stopped by Cluney. 
Sergeant shows Cluney his warrant. Doctor 
goes up c. to O'Malley. Carr and Mrs. Carr talk 
to each other. Doogan pulls pocket book out of 
pocket and starts c, stops, and looks r.) 

Doogan. Good-bye, bank roll! (Puts money in 
minister's pocket and then goes c. to Sergeant. 
Cluney goes c. Doogan goes to desk r.) 

Sergeant. O'Malley ! 

O'Malley. Yes, sir? 

Sergeant. Grab a taxi, beat Jamison to Head- 
quarters and bring him back with you. 

O'Mallei. Right, sir. (Exits l. u.) 

Sergeant. (Crosses to r. u. and opens door) 
Move up, O'Brien. 

O'Brien. (Off-stage) Yes, sir. 

Sergeant. (Closes door and crosses l. to c.) 
I'm going to search this bunch. I've found Jami- 
son's securities and now I'm going to find his money. 

All. Oh, no, no, (Etc., etc.) 

Sergeant. I want you all to line up here on this 
side. Come on. (All run around in a circle, which 
is finally broken up by Sergeant) No, no this isn't 



STOP THIEF 93 

a ring-around-a-rosy game. I want you to line up 
here. (Falls on sofa l. of desk. Minister is in r.- 
hand corner. Mrs. Carr next, then Mr. Carr, 
Doogan is l. of desk. Cluney l. of Doogan. 
Doctor l. of Cluney. The three girls are r. of 
desk. Sergeant rises from sofa) Move that 
thing out of the way. (Sergeant takes suit-case 
from Clancy) What is it? 

Cluney. Why, that's my suit-case. 

Doctor. What's it doing here? 

Sergeant. Who put that suit-case under the 
sofa? 

Carr. I don't know. 

Sergeant. Who hid the suit-case? 

Doctor. I put that suit-case in the closet at the 
other end of the hall less than twenty minutes ago. 

Cluney. Where did you get it? 

Doctor. From Doogan. 

Cluney. (To Doogan) Where did you get it? 

Doogan. I must decline to answer for fear of 
incriminating a friend. (Doogan looks significantly 
at Carr, then at Cluney. Sergeant turns to 
Clancy and talks in pantomime to him) 

Cluney. (To Doctor) He's protecting me. 

Mrs. Carr. (To Carr) He's protecting you, 
Father. 

Sergeant. Give it to me; I'll see what's in it. 
(Puts suit-case on sofa and starts to open it) 

Mrs. Carr. (Crosses to Sergeant. Carr fol- 
lows on her right) Please, please don't open that 
suit-case. 

Sergeant. What's this all about? 

Doogan. See what this lady has got to say, 
won't you? 

Sergeant. Eh ? 

(Doogan works up and around to l. ready to dash 
through window.) 



94 STOP THIEF 



Mrs. Carr. Well, I think I can explain the 
mystery, but if I disclose this family secret, I rely 
on the honor of all here that it will go no further. 
William, tell the truth. 

Carr. I presume you've all heard of klepto- 
maniacs ? 

Cluney. Doctor, they've discovered me. 

All. What? 

Cluney. Yes, I'm a klepomaniac. It's an in- 
heritance over which I have no control. 

Madge. {Goes to Cluney) James! 

Cluney. Forgive me, Madge, forgive me. 

Mrs. Carr. Good heavens, what will my grand- 
children be? 

Carr. (Carr and Mrs. Carr cross l. front of 
sofa) He's lying to save me. 

(Sergeant goes up c.) 

Mrs. Carr. William, how noble of him ! 

Doctor. (Up c.) Look here, Sergeant, this is 
all wrong. (To Cluney) James, you have no 
right to 

Cluney. (r.) It's true, it's true, I'm a klepo- 
maniac ! Mr. Doogan will tell you. I had him sent 
from headquarters to watch me. He's a detective. 

Sergeant. Who's a detective ? (Doogan dashes 
out of window. Women scream. He is brought 
back by Casey down l. Mr. and Mrs. Carr have 
crossed below safe r. Three girls are tip-stage with 
minister and Doctor. To Doogan) So you're a 
detective, are you? Keep him in charge, Casey. 

Carrs. What ! 

Sergeant, (c.) Who did he say he was? 

Cluney. (r. c.) He said his name was Doogan 
but here's his card with another name on it. 

Sergeant. (Reads card) Joe Thompson. Why, 



STOP THIEF 95 

Joe is one of our best plain-clothes men. This fel- 
low is a crook. 

All. A crook ! 

Thompson. (Enters from l. u. and goes down 
R. of Sergeant) Hello, Sergeant. 

Sergeant. Hello, Joe, we were just speaking of 
you. Have you been here before to-day? 

Thompson. Yes, twice. 

Sergeant. I thought so. 

Thompson. They told me not to come back here 
till nine o'clock, but when I got to headquarters I 
missed something. By gad, somebody has pinched 
my watch. 

Cluney. (r. c. searching himself) Who told 
you to come back here at nine o'clock? 

Thompson, (c.) A man named Cluney. 

All. (Look at Cluney in surprise) Cluney! 

Cluney. (Not sure whether he did or not) My 
name is Cluney. 

Thompson. (Turns and looks at Cluney in 
surprise ) Your name Cluney ? You're not the guy. 

Sergeant. (Pushing Doogan to Thompson) 
Is this the one? 

Thompson. Hello? 

Doogan. Hello ! 

Thompson. This is the bird. 

Sergeant. I thought so. (Pushes Doogan back 
to Casey) Keep him in charge, Casey. 

Thompson. (In surprise) Is he a crook? 

Sergeant. Sure. 

Thompson. Where's the gal he works with? 

Sergeant. He works with a girl ? 

Thompson. Sure, the maid. 

All. The maid ! 

(Caroline exits l. c.) 
Thompson. They both trimmed me. 



96 STOP THIEF 

Carr. No wonder! 

Sergeant. Thompson, I think we'll clean this 
mystery up in a minute now. (Thompson goes l.) 
Where's the maid ? 

Caroline. {Enters c.) The maid has gone. 

All. Gone ? 

Caroline. Bag and baggage. 

Doogan. {Aside) Thank God! 

O'Malley. {Outside r. u.) Everybody has got 
to stay in that room. {Enters, dragging Nell, and 
throzvs her dozvn to Sergeant) Get in here, you. 

(Nell and Sergeant look at each other. Sergeant 
steps upstage, Nell crosses to Doogan.) 

Nell. They've got us, Jack. 

Sergeant. {To O'Malley) You nailed her, 
did you? 

O'Malley. Yes, making a getaway from the 
other side of the house in a taxi. I brought the 
trunk back, too. 

All. The trunk! 

Sergeant. Bring it in here. 

O'Malley. {Calling off r. u. door) All right, 
O'Brien, bring the trunk into this room. 

(O'Brien enters with trunk and places it on stage 
up c. Joan gets on top of it.) 

Joan. My steamer-trunk! {All exclaim ad lib. 
Down in left comer from l. to r. Casey, Doogan, 
Nell, Sergeant. All others upstage at trunk. 
Minister looks at trunk and goes r. corner) 

Sergeant. {Turns Nell round) What have 
you got on you? (Nell turns from him) Come 
on. (Nell looks at Doogan who nods "Yes". 
She hands Sergeant four thousand-dollar bills) 
Where did you get this money? 






STOP THIEF 97 

Nell. In the linen closet. 

Madge. (Going down r. of Sergeant) Why, 
that's my money. 

Sergeant. (Counting it) How much was 
there ? 

Madge. Four thousand-dollar bills. 

Sergeant. Right. Here you are. (Hands 
Madge money. Madge goes to Cluney) 

Madge. (To Cluney) Oh, James, she stole my 
money! Take it, dear. 

Cluney. No. (Puts hands behind his back. 
They both go up r. c.) 

Sergeant. Thompson. 

Thompson, (r. of Sergeant) Yes? 

Sergeant. (To Nell) What did you do with 
detective Thompson's watch? 

Nell. (Looks at Doogan-. and smiles, then 
speaks smilingly) Why, I couldn't take his 
watch — he's the best detective in the state of Rhode 
Island. 

Sergeant. Come across, come across. (Nell 
hands him watch) The best detective in the state 
of Rhode Island, eh? (Hands watch to Thomp- 
son) 

Thompson. (Looks at watch) I think I'll go 
back to school. (Crosses all the way around stage 
and. up to l. c.) 

Carr. (r. of Sergeant) He's got one thou- 
sand dollars belonging to me. 

Mrs, Carr. (r. of Carr) What! 

Sergeant. How did he get it? 

Carr. He was minding it for me. 

Sergeant. Frisk him, Casey. 

(Casey searches 'Doogan.) 
Joan. (On trunk) Isn't it exciting! 



98 STOP THIEF 

Sergeant. (Turns Nell around) Who are 
you? 

Nell. I'm engaged to be married to him. (She 
places hand on Doogan's shoulder) 

Sergeant. Engaged ? Well, Casey? (.Casey 
crosses to Sergeant gun in l. hand and two five- 
hundred dollar bills in r. hand. Sergeant takes 
money') A gun, eh? You take care of that Casey. 
(Casey crosses to r. of Doogan, getting between 
Nell and Doogan. Sergeant turns' to Carr) 
Here's your money, sir. 

Carr. Thank you. (Goes r.) 

Mrs. Carr. (Goes r. of Sergeant) One mo- 
ment, Sergeant, ask him how my daughter got this 
diamond-sunburst? 

(Doogan does not answer. Sergeant snaps his 
fingers.) 

Doogan. I just slipped her a little wedding 
present when she wasn't looking. 

Mrs. Carr. Thank Heaven! '(Crosses R. u. to 
Madge, pins brooch on her and kisses her) 

Jamison. (Enters l. ti. and comes to r. of Ser- 
geant) I've got it, I've got it, here it is. 

Sergeant. What? 

Jamison. The new warrant. There, Sergeant, 
go ahead and serve it. 

Sergeant. (Hands Jamison stocks) Here are 
you securities. 

Jamison> Thank heaven! Where, were they? 

Ss»ceant. In the safe. 

Jamison. What ? Why, that safe 

Sergeant, We're just clearing up a little mystery 
here ; keep quiet a second. 

Carr. (Crosses to r. of Jamison) When am I 
going to get my money for securities? 



STOP THIEF 99 

Jamison. Under the circumstances, I am not 
responsible. I lost my money here in your house. 

Sergeant. (Turns to Nell) . Now, what did 
you do with his money ? 

Doogan. She doesn't know anything about that. 
I got- that. 

Sergeant.. Where is it? 

Doogan. In the minister's pocket. 

All. The minister's pocket ? 

Minister. My pocket ! Good gracious ! ( Takes 
money from pocket) 

Sergeant. (Crosses to minister, followed by 
Carr, and gets money) Why, what does all this 
mean? 

Minister. (Right) I wish I had a drink of 
whiskey. 

Sergeant. Ladies,' how did this girl get in the 
house? 

Madge. (Comes to Sergeant) Mother en- 
gaged her yesterday. 

Joan. (Down to Madge) She answered our 
advertisement. 

Caroline. (Down to Joan) We thought she 
was all right. (All three girls ad lib. until Sergeant 
raises his hand) 

Sergeant. That's enough, that's enough, thank 
you, ladies. (Girls up-stagc. To Nell) Come on, 
cutey, you're under arrest. Take her away, 
O'Malley. (Passes Nell to O'Malley up r.) 

O'Malley. Yes, sir. 

Doogan. (Has grabbed gun from Casey by this 
time and tripped him. He jumps over sofa to door 
l. u. dragging sofa witH hint, using it as a barricade. 
He is pointing gun) Throw up your hands! I'll 
put a bullet through the first one that makes a move. 
(All hands go up in air) Come here, Nell, take it 
on the run. 

Nell. But, Jack! 



ioo STOP THIEF 

Doogan. Go on, Nell, I know what I'm doing. 
(Nell exits l, u.) You people will find every- 
thing that's missing in that trunk and the suit-case. 
As for you cops, let me tell you something, all I 
want is five minutes' start and you'll never see us 
in Providence again. We're ready to blow the 
town, and God help the guy that tries to stop us, 
for I'm a good shot and Pm desperate, understand? 
(Exits l. u., slamming door) 

Sergeant, (Shaving sofa out of the way, goes 
to door and opens it) Hurry up, whip them out. 
Are you all ready? 

Policeman. Yes. 

Sergeant. Then come on. (Exits with Clancey ; 
Casey, Thompson, O'Malley and O'Brien follow- 
ing, All others exit after them except Doctor and 
Clunky, ivho exits r. u. They all rush out yelling 
" Stop Thief! " blotving police-whistles, etc., etc.) 

Doogan. (Comes through window down, l. and 
stands below window. Nell follows him and 
stands on chair above window l.) Good, I think we 
slipped them. 

Nell. {Shielding herself behind tvindow) 
Everybody is running after them. 

Doogan. Which way are they going? 

Nell. Straight up the street 

Doogan. (Going up c.) Good! Us for the 
back way and the station. (Driver enters from 
r. c.) Stick up your hands. 

Nell. It's my taxi, Jack. 

Doogan. Your taxi, good. (To driver) Get 
that trunk on your hack and drive us to the Union 
Station as fast as God will let you. Come on, Nell, 
bring the suit-case, I'll watch this fellow. (Exits 
R. c. following driver) 

(Nell picks up suit -case and starts c. as Doctor, 
followed by Cluney enters from R. u., speak- 
ing as they enter.) 



STOP THIEF 101 

Doctor. Hold on, you, here they are ! 

(Nell starts l. u. as Mr. and Mrs. Carr enter, 
folloived by Joan and Madge ; Nell starts for 
window as minister and Caroline enter.) 

Minister. There she is. (Nell runs c. Doctor 
and Cluney stop her. Cluney is r. of Nell. 
Minister and Caroline on her l. hand. Doctor 
is l. of Nell. Mr. and Mrs. Carr right. Joan 
and Madge up-stage) 

Doctor. Where's your pal? (Takes suit-case 
from Nell) 

Carr. Why don't you speak? 

Cluney. Which way did he go? 

Carr. Why don't you answer? 

Mrs. Carr. Now, my girl, you might as well 
tell the truth. 

Doogan. (Off R.) Nellie — Nellie 

Doctor. Let's take her to the police station. 
What is the good of wasting time ? (All start for 
the door l. u.) 

Doogan. (Enters from r. u.) Take your hands 
off that girl! Come here, Nellie. (Nell crosses 
to r. below desk to Doogan, who has taken posi- 
tion back of desk) 

Cluney. (Up l.) I know you are a couple of 
thieves and I'm going to take you to the police 
station. 

Doogan. Like Hell you are ! 

Doctor. (Up r.) See here, do you mean to say 
you think you can rob this house and then get 
away? 

Doogan. That's exactly what I mean. 

Cluney. ^t's /idiculous. It can't be done. 

Doogan. Thmk it's ridiculous, do you? I'll tell 
you something more ridiculous — you are going to 
help us. 



102 STOP THIEF 

Cluney. We are? I like his nerve. 

Doogan. I helped you, didn't I ? 

Cluney. Did you, though? 

Doogan. Who stole the ear-trumpet and the 
diamond bracelet? 

Cluney. I don't know. 

Doogan. That's just it, you don't know. 

Doctor. Why, what do you mean? 

Doogan. That those two are a couple of self- 
confessed kleptomaniacs. 

Mrs. Carr. Mr. Doogan, for heaven's sake, re- 
member your promise! (Crosses to l. of desk. 
Carr to back of desk) 

Doogan. That's just what I'm trying to do. 
Don't you see, Madam, if you get the police back 
here it means a scandal for you? If you drag me 
to the police court do you think I'm going to keep 
my mouth shut while her liberty is at stake ? She's 
all I've got in the world, and I'd lie and steal and 
fight and die and go to hell for her. 

Nell. This was to be our last trick. 

Doogan. Yes, we were going to be married to- 
day. 

Mrs. Carr. Married? 

Cluney. So were we. 

Doogan. (In front of desk r. c.) Come on, 
then, let's take an even break. If you get the police 
back here what will it get you? A let of news- 
paper notoriety. What will it get us ? Ten years in 
the penitentiary. 

Doctor. (Up r.) You should have thought of 
that before. (Goes up-stage c.) 

Mrs. Carr. I can't interefere : the girl's a thief. 

Nell. (Goes to Mrs. Carr and kneels) Mrs. 

Carr, give us a chance. He was going to turn 

straight for me. For God's sake, give us this one 

chance. 



STOP THIEF 103 

Mrs. Carr. This is awful! William, what can 
I say? (Goes to Carr up r.) 

Doogan. (Goes to Nell, takes her hand and 
raises her up. Addresses Cluney) Come on, be 
a lot of regular fellows. You ain't lost anything. 
Your trunk's down there on the taxi and I'll tell 
you something that will make you all feel good. 
You guvs didn't steal anything. 

All. ' What ! 

Doogan. I stole all that stuff and planted it on 
you. 

Cluney. He's a deuced clever chap. I must get 
him to teach me that trick. 

Doogan. What do you say, Mr. Cluney? 

Cluney. What do you say, Mr. Carr? 

Mrs. Carr. William! 

Carr. I'm too relieved to say a word. 

Minister. (Up c.) One moment. You say you 
were to be married to-day? 

Doogan. Sure, boss, will you splice us? I've 
got a license, all right. (Feels in pocket) No, I for- 
got, I planted it on the doctor so the cops couldn't 
take it from me. (Carr and Mrs. Carr move down 
r. Doogan goes to Doctor and gets papers) Here 
it is — one is yours. (Gives Doctor his license) 
Will you splice us, boss ? 

Doctor. You'd better hurry, the police are liable 
to be back here any minute. 

Doogan. Not a chance, they're in Woonsocket 
by this time and running true to form. 

Carr. Don't worry about the police, I'll not press 
the charge. 

Doogan. You won't? 

Cluney. Neither will I. 

Doogan. That's great! 

Mrs. Carr. Caroline, watch the drive and warn 
us if you see the police coming back. 







104 STOP THIEF 

(Caroline goes to window l.) 

Minister. And do you promise to lead honorable 
lives ? 

Doogan. Honest to God, boss. I'll do anything 
for her. 

Minister. Then join hands. 

Cluney. (l. c. with Madge) Wait a moment, 
this is our wedding day and we've waited long 
enough. 

Doogan. We'll take seconds. 

Doctor. Hold on. Joan, will you marry me ? 

Joan. (Crosses to Doctor r. c.) Yes. 

Mrs. Carr. What's that? 

Doctor. We might as well make it a happy end- 
ing all around. 

Minister. Then all kneel. 

(The three couples kneel. Doogan and Nell c, 

Doctor and Joan r., Madge and Cluney l. 

Carr starts to kneel. Mrs. Carr picks him 
up.) 

Carr. He said, kneel ! 

Doogan. This is too good to be true, boss. 

Minister. (Takes c. of stage with back to 
audience, and starts reading marriage-service) 
" Dearly beloved, we are gathered here " 

Curtain 






